3 Years Later: Bill Ackman’s Face Still Smarting From John Hempton’s Bagdrag


NEW YORK – In a sit down interview with CNBC, hedge funder Bill Ackman, best known for looking like a man’s private parts with silver hair, revealed that his smug, pretty boy face is still sore from when rival hedge funder John Hempton whipped out his massive Australian ball sack during a Forbes magazine round-table discussion and repeatedly whipped Ackman across the face several years ago. The two hedge funders are well known for public battles over the years with their opposing positions in Valeant Pharmaceuticals and Herbalife (“HLF”), which ultimately had Hempton prevailing in both instances.

When CNBC reporter and Just For Men spokesperson, Joe Kernen asked Ackman about how he’s been holding up these last few years, Ackman was subdued. “I’ve been in intensive therapy 7 days a week ever since Hempton emasculated me like that in front of all my peers. I’ve lost billions of dollars of other people’s money in my career and plan to lose billions more, God willing. But getting scrotal whipped by John has been the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.”

When reached for comment from a beach in Australia, Hempton said, “Crikey, that wanker Yank is a few stubbies short of a six-pack. Us two really ‘ad a rip-snorter of a go, I reckon, didn’t we, mate? That yobbo was really tryna pull the ol’ wool over everyone’s eyes, but I had a Captain Cook at the books and thought, no worries, mate, she’ll be right fair dinkum. Oh, please give Ackman a nice pash for me.”

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