BREAKING: Fed to Start Day Trading

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The Federal Reserve Bank announced on Monday that it will start day trading stocks. Just an hour after announcing that the Fed would start buying individual corporate bonds, Chairman Jerome Powell said “screw it” and decided to get into day trading as well.

The Fed will have the authority to expand its balance sheet up to $100 trillion in assets for this project. Powell added that his traders would look to, “bring securities to their true market value, which the investing public is currently not doing.”

He added that many great value stocks, such as Chesapeake Energy and Hertz, are trading at “only one-third of their fair market value.”

“This is a great day for America,” Powell said. “Not only will investment accounts around the country grow exponentially, but the federal government will finally be able to balance its budget with our projected day trading profits.”

A press release explained that the Fed’s traders would have full autonomy to take long positions in any stock, including those in over-the-counter markets. Far out-of-the-money call options would also be available for Fed day traders.

Goldman Sachs immediately upgraded its near-term S&P 500 price target to 60,000.

 



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