The Federal Reserve (BRR) has finally let the cat out of the bag and done what all Robinhood day-traders couldn’t even dream of: Started trading publicly on the Nasdaq exchange.
In a press conference, Fed chair Jerome Powell cited “revolutionary new 3D money-printing technology” which allows the central bank to print not just U.S. currency units, but also precious metals. Nasdaq president Adena Friedman wrote in a press release that this new technology warranted its listing in the tech-heavy exchange.
Sporting a new black turtleneck and vacant smile on a Zoom conference call, Powell continued, “From just a single gram of gold bullion, we can now print billions of ounces of the yellow metal. All hard money advocates can now rest easy that there is a virtually limitless supply of gold, and anyone with the means to purchase it can now protect their wealth against U.S. dollar inflation.”
Gold spot tanked over 50% on the news, while Nasdaq futures doubled.
Tech stock advocates signaled their approval for the IPO, saying it will usher in a new era of equity valuation. Morgan Stanley issued an as yet unheard-of price target for BRR equity: $∞.
“When a company can literally fund itself indefinitely, who would dare have the audacity to price it at anything but infinity?”
BRR opened at $0.50 per share with a 14 trillion share float. The “cheap” price appeared to attract Robinhood speculators, who quickly bid it up to $500 per share within the first 12 seconds of trading.
Stonk market bears, the cowards they are, were seen jumping from rooftops in downtown Manhattan at 9:45 a.m. ET.
Upon hearing the news, Powell chuckled and said, “Good riddance” before throwing up Wu Tang hands and ending the conference call.