How to handle a margin call

Beware: Margin Call

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Everyone knows stonks go up.  It’s a basic law, like gravity, or needing extra toilet paper when you have too much dairy.  There’s no such thing as an educated investor with a red portfolio, and it shouldn’t surprise you when you get a “margin call.”  

From an inside source at Charles Schwab, the vast majority of for a margin call is due to funds being siphoned to pay for office parties and outings, paying off the local pimp, new rims for their Aston Martin, or a decorative mirror for their bedroom ceiling, not because your portfolio fell below the maintenance margin.

Fear not, when your broker comes calling for extra money because your “MaINtEnaNcE mARgiN” you can be sure that he spent that money at the strip club, looking for new “clients” and needs funds to straighten the books.  Never fall for this trap, they’re just looking for someone to enable their habit.  Picture Wolf of Wall Street, midget throwing included. 

Instead, tell them to re-run the numbers, calmly refer them to their local Narcotics Anonymous meeting, and inform them that women of the night often come with nasty surprises the next week. They’re most likely not feeling so great under the hood, and their local clinic should be able to sort them out after they pee in a cup. If they persist, stating that you can always make a call to the friendly neighborhood SEC office should be enough to back them off.

Follow this simple advice, don’t be a victim, and you will profit.  Just a PSA from your friendly neghborhood stonk advisor.

 



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