WASHINGTON, DC — A recent study conducted by the US Department of Labor has revealed a stunning conclusion that the U.S. unemployment rate is well above 50%. Although unemployment numbers have been steadily rising since March due to the economic shutdown spurred by COVID-19, the Department of Labor found that statistics have been heavily skewed by so-called online entrepreneurs.
“The formula for calculating the unemployment rate is actually very simple, and that’s why these results are so shocking,” said Department of Labor Secretary Eugen Scalia. “To get the percentage, you simply divide the number of unemployed individuals by the population of the total workforce.”
However, there appears to be a critical flaw in the definition of “unemployed.” The current definition includes individuals who are:
- 16+ years old
- Available to work full time in the previous 4 weeks
- Have been actively seeking employment for the previous 4 weeks
“We are considering adding a fourth bullet to the definition: online entrepreneurs,” says Patrick Pizella, Deputy Secretary of the DoL. “The fact is, all of these #hustlers, #bossbabes, and #selfmadeCEOs are bankrupt and are causing a strain on the economy, whether they realize it or not.
They run multi-level marketing schemes or claim to be forex trading experts, when in fact, they are little more than scammers or people caught in someone else’s scam. They don’t contribute to the economy in any material way, and until now, they have not counted themselves as unemployed just because they run an Instagram account and own a domain name on WordPress.”
The Department of Labor study concluded that after accounting for these zero-revenue entrepreneurs, the unemployment rate is 52.69%. Stocks soar on the news.