Extorting people is one of my favorite hobbies and is a get rich quick scheme that I used to get extremely wealthy.  Extortion has been a hot topic in the news lately due to Michael Avenatti’s failed attempt at extorting Nike for $25 million.  Avenatti likely thought he had Nike in the bag and was going to ride off into the sunset with a cool $25 million.  Avenatti gets a F!  He failed and his extortion attempt was rather juvenile.  I took it upon myself to come up with ten of my favorite ways to extort someone and not get caught like Avenatti. 

  1. If you want to extort someone, one of the best ways is to bake them a nice fresh plate of cookies.  Use your grandma’s favorite chocolate chip recipe.  When you are about to throw the cookies in the oven sprinkle some peyote in the batter.  Peyote is a hallucinogen and one hell of a drug.  When your victim eats the cookies, they will end up tripping balls.  While they are tripping balls make them get into a small dress and put lipstick all over their face and take pictures and videos of them.  Use these pictures and videos as blackmail. 
  2. If you are going to extort a CEO use the evidence on their phone as blackmail material.  100% of CEOs have multiple mistresses (side bitches).  Teach yourself how to pickpocket.  Here is a good primer on pickpocketing.  After you know how to pickpocket, follow the target to their favorite bar.  Use your new pickpocketing skills to swipe their phone from their pocket.  If your target is a CEO there is a 100% chance, he has naked pictures of thousands of mistresses on his phone.  Find these pictures and email them to yourself.  Use these pictures as extortion material (there might even be dirty videos if you are lucky).  Threaten to send these pictures to his wife if he doesn’t meet your demands.
  3. Photoshop is a great tool.  Find your target’s social media profile and swipe a picture from it.  You can use Microsoft Paint to paint black all over their face.  Your target will now look like they dressed up as “black face” for some party way back in the day.  Use this photo to blackmail them.  No one wants people to find out they have a “black face” photo of them floating around the internet.  This is a goldmine.
  4. Break into your target’s home and install hidden cameras in the bathroom facing the toilet.  At the same time get a job as a barista at your target’s favorite coffee shop.  When your target orders coffee from you, put a shitload of laxatives in their coffee.  By the time they get home they will have to shit so bad.  Their toilet bowl will be like Berlin in 1945.  Capture the video of them blowing up their toilet.  Edit the video and make it really funny.  Email your target the video and say you will upload it to YouTube if they don’t meet your demands.  If your target is anyone high profile it is very unlikely they will want the world to see them squirting liquid chunks all over a toilet bowl.
  5. Make a fake Facebook profile and send thousands of women this message, “send nudes”. After you send all those messages, change the name of your Facebook profile to your target’s name and use their profile picture.  Message your target with this Facebook profile and send screenshots of the “send nudes” message.  Your target will be panicking at this point.  Use this to your advantage to extort them.
  6. Get a shitload of cocaine and steal a cop car for an hour or so.  Pull your victim over and act like a cop.  Pull them out of the car and yell at them for speeding.  When your victim is cowering like a little girl, take the cocaine out of your pocket and threaten to plant it on them if they don’t meet your demands.
  7. Go on 4chan /b/ forum.  Post racist and sexist images under your victim’s names.  Screenshot the posts.  Send these screenshots to your victim and threaten to go public with them if they don’t give you money.
  8. Get really good at applying makeup and wearing disguises.  When you are an expert, dress up as your victim.  Have a friend record you with their phone.  Go to a local Walmart and bust into a women’s bathroom.  Search the toilets for a fresh turd.  When you find the turd start swinging it around like a wand.  Exit the bathroom and scream violently while swinging the turd around your head like a wizard uses a wand.  Start chasing people with the turd.  When you get tired, snack on the turd like a snickers bar.  Use this video to extort your victim.  No one in their right mind wants to be known as the turd wizard.
  9. Find you victim’s old Myspace profile.  Myspace is a graveyard of embarrassing photos.  It’s likely your victim has photos of himself drinking and doing drugs as a teenager.  Use these photos as blackmail.    
  10. Find the neighborhood your victim lives in.  In the middle of the night spray paint your victim’s name everywhere in the neighborhood.  Wake up your victim before the morning comes.  Tell your victim to meet your demands and you will cover up his spray-painted name before everyone wakes up.

Disclaimer: The Stonk Market does not condone, recommend or take responsibility for any of these extortion methods if you try it yourself – except the turd wizard one, if you become a turd wizard we take full responsibility (not really). This article is for humor and entertainment. Don’t be a dumbass. If you are a dumbass record yourself being a dumbass and upload it to the internet so we can laugh at your dumbass self.

Source of featured image: NY Post

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