Nerdy Skinny Dork: This this is the dude you used to shove into lockers in high school. The kid you forced to do your math tests. He had big red pimples on his face. Never got laid in high school. Never got laid in college. Is likely still a virgin unless he made fat stacks of cash on the street. The Nerdy Skinny Dork walks fast on the street. Whenever someone is in font of him on the sidewalk he speeds up and makes sure to get ahead of them. A type of autism in this step. The Nerdy Skinny Dork is likely a quant trader at a large hedge fund. He is easily going to pull in $500K before any type of bonus. You won’t find him speaking much at work. He will be glued to his screen. Writing code and picking his nose. He is still a dork. Everyone secretly makes fun of him in their head.
Cocaine Chad: This is your regular Chad. An arm full of muscle and a butt full of poop. Likely a jock in high school and a college frat boy. Cocaine Chad got his nickname from all the drugs he rails at the most exclusive clubs with the hottest models. Cocaine Chad is likely a trader. He makes quick and fast money. Spends it as quickly as he makes it. Well known in all the best clubs in city. He will be able to tell you what chick he has nailed and where he nailed her at. Cocaine Chad will end up making a lot of money over his short career. Eventually the drugs and women will catch up with him and he will be out on the street, out of money and at a rehab facility. Cocaine Chad will then write a New York Time’s bestseller about how many prostitutes he banged and how much cocaine he shoved up his nose while he was working on Wall Street.
Underrepresented Minority: A rare sight to see on Wall Street. Sticks out like a sore thumb in a room full of old white balding heads. If you are at a conference it is almost certain you will accidently mistaken him for one of the staff members. They worked hard to get into a career on Wall Street. Spent years in the library learning the ins and out of high finance. So much money was spent on “how to succeed” courses for Investment Banking interviews. The Underrepresented Minority doesn’t take their seven-figure job for granted. They know how hard it was for them to get a job on Wall Street. The majority of the money they make goes back to their family in the South Side of Chicago.
Daddy was a Managing Director: This dude’s entire family came from Wall Street. His dad was an MD at a top Investment Bank. His mom was either a partner at KPMG or worked at a hedge fund on the operations side. He didn’t see his parents much growing up. The closest thing to a parent figure was the nanny that took care of him while his parents worked 120-hour weeks. Daddy was a Managing Director went to the best business school and knew he was destined for greatest since he was a child. After college he didn’t even have to apply for a job given his parents connections. He swore he wouldn’t follow his parent’s footsteps but does anyway.
Fat Man in Porsche: This is your typical burnt out, run down and overworked Wall Street chump. He has spent too many years sitting at his desk working his life away. Overweight and balding. Cheeks and nose red from excessive drinking and stress. A stay at home wife who has had enough of his “career”. He maybe sees his wife and kids for 12 hours a week. By the time he gets home they are sleeping. Fat Man in Porsche eats out every day – stuffing his face with greasy food to comfort his depressed life. He owns a red Porsche and all the hot Wall Street toys that give him comfort for only a brief moment in his sad, sad life. You would think with all the money he has made on Wall Street he could retire or find a less demanding job. But he can’t. His kids go to the most expensive private schools. He has a million-dollar mortgage on a home to big for his family. He takes international vacations for two weeks out of the year – trying to stuff as much experience as he can in his measly two-week vacation package. Fat Man in a Porsche is dead broke. Spends to much money to retire. Don’t become like this guy.
Enthused 20 Something: A fresh face out of college. Graduated with a four-year finance degree from a top school that he constantly brings up. He still thinks he has a passion for finance. Will do anything on command for his ruthless boss like a Golden Retriever. Ready to take on the world with dreams of becoming the next Warren Buffett. When they get their first bonus, they will buy a watch that is more expensive than their boss’ watch – buy $500 dollar shoes and get a brand-new suit. Soon they will realize that a career on Wall Street is soul sucking and meaningless. In a few years they will either go back to school and enter another line of work or man it out and become Fat Man in Porsche.
Promotional Investor Relations Chump: He couldn’t take the long hours in banking. Putting together a quality DCF model was not this dude’s strong suit. During his formative years on the sell side he cozied up with a few management teams and ended up joining an Investors Relations firm. The majority of his days are spent blasting out emails to guys on the buyside who can’t stand the companies he fronts them. Ninety percent of the emails he sends out are not answered. When he really has a shitty company to front to the buyside he will call them up and tell them about how great this idea is when he knows secretly, he wouldn’t put his own capital in this piece of shit.
Fading Sell Side Francis: This dude used to have the life back in the day. Sweet trips taking buy side clients to ultimate destinations. There were badass annual conferences his firm held with the hottest models, entertainment, sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. Now trading commissions are down 90%. Pay cuts seem to happen every year. MiFID II and passive fund flows haunt his dreams. Now he has to bride some of his old pals from the buyside to attend the dull conference his firm puts on. Back in the day Fading Sell Side Francis spent most of his time stock picking. Now he spends his time taking executives on non-deal roadshows. The stocks he does pick are the same ten stocks he has picked for the past ten years. One time he put a neutral rating on one company and almost got fired. All his ratings are strong buys.
Eccentric Broker: In elementary school Eccentric Broker was diagnosed with ADD, ADHD and manic depression. The guy bounces up and off the walls. When he calls you with a block of stock, he has for sale you will learn about his entire night. You know more about his life than he knows about you. He talks fast and hard like a chipmunk on Adderall. Every time he takes you out for drinks you question his sanity. He seems like he is on the verge of a manic-depressive episode. You wouldn’t be surprised if he blew his brains out. You recently learned he is trading his own account on margin. Going all in on stocks he has done zero fundamental analysis on. He told you this was a bad year for him. Commissions were at an all time low this year. His excessive lifestyle demands more money. If his personal trades, go right he will be able to take his family to Europe this summer. If the trades go wrong, his brains will be splattered all over the fresh paint in his new garage.
Emotionally Unavailable Edwin: Straight A’s followed this guy his entire life. The top schools were not out of the question. M.B.A. from Harvard was a breeze. He started his career on Goldman Sacs and is still working there. All the women he dates find him charming at first. A successful man with a bright future. However, eventually every woman Edwin dates finds him emotionally unavailable. Emotionally Unavailable Edwin can’t connect with anyone on a deep level. Every friendship and acquittance is surface level. When someone cries in front of him he stares blankly in a state of daze. The only thing that “gets him” are the financial models he builds.
Patrick Bateman: The epitome of Wall Street greatness. The guy looks like a fresh pressed Armani suit and crocodile leather shoes. Slick back hair and a business card that is better than Paul Allen’s. Bateman’s life is a perfect façade. He looks down on the scum who make less than him. You can catch Bateman bringing upper class women to Dorsia in the evenings. On the weekends he is returning video tapes and butchering prostitutes with chainsaws in his upscale penthouse. Sometimes Bateman will stab a cold bum to death on a dark New York City street. If you show up to lunch with a better business card than Bateman he will make it his priority to wipe you from the face of the earth.
