20 ways to tell if you are a value investor

Nobody wants to be a value investor in this day of age.  Value investors are scummy, worthless and have horrible returns.  But once a value investor always a value investor.  Here are twenty ways to tell if you are a value investor.

1. You know you are a value investor when you tell everyone you invest for the long-run bu spend 99% of your time trying to predict next quarters revenues and EPS.
2. You know you are a value investor when you won’t admit 99% of the value in your multi-segment DCF model comes from the terminal value.
3. You know you are a value investor when your returns have trailed the S&P 500 for the past decade (they suck).
4. You know you are a value investor when you constantly blame the Federal Reserve for your lack of absolute returns.
5. You know you are a value investor when you write an insanely long investor letter four times a year to overcompensate for your lack of returns.
6. You know you are a value investor when you won’t, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, invest in any tech stock because “you can’t understand it”.
7. You know you are a value investor when you still wear the same suit you wore back college.
8. You know you are a value investor when you calculate the liquidation value of every company you invest in even though ZERO of the companies you have ever invested in liquidate.
9. You know you are a value investor when you constantly whine and moan about the FANG stocks being overvalued.

10. You know you are a value investor when you will avoid buying any company with a solid business model because it’s “too expensive” but will go all in on a company that sells dog turds, trading a half times book value ran by a 105 year-old man who can’t remember his own name.

11. You know you are a value investor when developed a tic (eye twitch, constant nose rubbing, picking your scalp, etc.) from under-performing the markets for so long.
12. You know you are a value investor when you won’t admit your job is basically useless and provides almost zero incremental benefit to society.
13. You know you are a value investor when you convince yourself daily you enjoy reading annual reports when in reality deep down you know how dry and boring it is.
14. You know you are a value investor when you tell your angry clients who have been trying to redeem money for the past five years that this next month is the month.
15. You know you are a value investor when everyone’s investment strategy is stupid besides yours.
16. You know you are a value investor when an ice cube sitting in the summer sun looks exactly like your portfolio.
17. You know you are a value investor when you will go all in on a dying newspaper business but won’t touch a company that is growing 25% per year.
18. You know you are a value investor when your smell like mothballs.
19. You know you are a value investor when you have no idea who Dave Portnoy is.
20. You know you are a value investor when you quote Buffett 5,000 times in your annual letter.