I was a teen at the time the internet emerged. It wasn’t the internet we all know and love today. It was before the internet became the “internet of things”. The internet was still young back then. Still the wild, wild, west. It was back in the Myspace days.
Myspace was the first social media site that took off. It was the big thing for teens at the time. You created your own personal “Myspace”. Your page. There were different backgrounds you could apply to make your Myspace page different from everyone else. There were the profile songs. Your profile song expressed who you were or how you were feeling at the time. If you were feeling sad you would put a slow, D minor song on your page. If you were a rebel nihilist your profile song would be something like the Sex Pistols or Anti-Flag. If you were a thug, you would put on 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop”.
The best part about Myspace wasn’t the ability to create your own personal background. It also wasn’t the profile song. It was the top friend list.
Top friends list were your best friends. Your homies. The number one friend was your best friend. It scaled out to eight top friends. Number two was your second-best friend. Number three was that dude who always hung out with your crew. You occasionally chilled with him separately away from your group. Number four was the dude who sat at your lunch table who you thought was hilarious. Sometimes number four replaced number three. Number three and number four would know you replaced them but it was never brought up in person. It was like that hush hush voodoo talk you don’t bring up. The rest of the top friends were other dudes you chilled with. You weren’t that close to them, but they deserved a place on the top list.
When you got older girls got involved and complications to your top friends list you never knew existed entered your world. Your girlfriend would become your number one friend. This would push everyone back. The number eight top friend would leave the list. I’m telling ya, complications.
My friends all had girlfriend’s way before I ever did. I never had a girlfriend until I was in the middle of my sophomore year. People thought it was weird that I never dated anyone. I remember at a football game my sophomore year some younger girls asked me if I ever had a girlfriend. I told them no and they said, “that’s cool”, expressing a face of, “wow this kid’s a loser”.
I’m not exactly sure how my first girlfriend was setup. I think Curly may have told this chick to message me on Myspace. Curly was a year younger than me and knew how to talk to chicks. I believe he told a chick in his grade to hit me up on Myspace.
After school Curly would come over to my house and we would jump on Myspace. Curly’s parents were not as well off as mine and didn’t have a computer or the internet. Curly and I would login and out of our Myspace page’s, so we could each check our messages.
When I logged into my Myspace I saw that chick Curly was talking to messaged me. She wanted to meet up at a football game later that evening. Curly told me that I should meet up with her and date her. He then proceeded to say that if we dated I could put her as my number one friend on Myspace. I got excited at the thought of having a girl as my number one friend. This would replace Curly and he knew it. But that is what girlfriends were for. To be your number one friend.
Later in the evening Curly and I went to the football game and met up with her. For whatever reason the chick brings along her dad to meet me. It was an awkward moment. I meet up with a girl who likes me, and I must not only meet her for the first time but also her dad. Fuckkkkkkk.
Eventually we end up dating. It was a weird experience as my first girlfriend. She was super quiet. I could never get her to talk when she was around me. The only time she would ever talk to me was on Yahoo Instant Messenger. She talked and talked on there. But in person she clammed up and shut down. One time we went to a play together and I counted how many words she said to me that night. It was like 12 or something like that.
About a week into our relationship she tells me that she has feelings for the dude I was sharing a locker with. Apparently, they had been flirting and she started having dreams about him. She said that she had a dream that I was holding her off a cliff all romantically and stuff kissing her. I would then turn into my locker buddy as we were kissing. I thought she was fucking nuts to be having dreams about me like this given how young we were and how I didn’t even really know who she was since she didn’t talk to me in person. I mean I would always forget her name for god sakes.
I proceeded to breakup with her. For whatever reason she went into a mental breakdown and cried for days. Anytime she saw me she would just bawl in the hallways. A few days later she started to date my locker buddy.
I was hurt that my locker buddy, who was also my friend, would date her. I thought there was some code where friends didn’t date their friend’s girlfriends. I kicked him out of my locker for that and stopped talking to him.
Eventually, my old locker buddy friend broke up with her. He then proceeded to woe another one of my friend’s girlfriend and he took her as his girlfriend. We were both pretty upset about that and I decided it was time to get him back.
Back in the Myspace days it was the wild, wild, west of the internet. Any thing could go. You could upload a picture of a severed dick on your page and no one would blink an eye. One time I commented on the politician, Ron Paul’s, page calling him an old dick sucking faggot or something like that, not knowing who he was. Family and friends of Ron Paul messaged me telling me off. Later in life I found out who Ron Paul was and laughed my ass off.
Then there were the fake profiles. There were thousands of them. I mean it, thousands. You could make a fake profile in under ten minutes and start fucking with people. When my old locker buddy took my ex-girlfriend then my other buddy’s girlfriend I decided to make a fake profile and fuck with him.
The fake profile was called “Unknown”. It had a picture of a silhouette of a man with a question mark on his face. I added everyone I knew with the profile and had some fun. When my locker buddy’s girlfriend added me, I messaged her. I told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her, fucking all these other girls. The next day at school they were broken up. My mission was a success. My first ever troll. Way before the term troll became a thing.
A year or so later Worm and I were best friends. We were always together. Walking in the halls causing trouble. Yelling out of car windows calling people fags and whores. Taking shits in random places. You know, normal stuff.
Worm would come over to my house almost every weekend. If he wasn’t over at my house I was over at his. Those were the days. Have your friend spend the night and stay up all night messing around. Myspace was also still around. And it was bigger than ever.
One night when Worm was over we decided to make a fake Myspace page. We made a profile called, “Erin Hot Cat”. It was a big breasted blonde bombshell. Fake tits, fake ass, fake skin, fake everything. Anyone with a brain would know this profile wasn’t a real profile. The about me page said something about how she slobbers on dick like a toddler eats corn on the cob, can ride a dick like John Wayne rides horses in old western movies, eats pickles by the jar, and loves sticking random shit up her pussy. It was hilarious.
Right after making the profile a shit load of friend requests came rolling in. That night we had like 2,000 friends without even trying. Messages from random dudes saying how they could fuck us good. Cock pictures. The whole galore. It was crazy.
Then we got a message from this one dude. We went to his profile page to check him out. He was a creepy looking fucker. His profile picture was a close up of his face. Weird looking guy. You could tell he was a creep by looking at him. I wouldn’t be surprised if you found him on Watch Dog. Not the kind of guy you would bring home to your parents for a nice night at dinner. He would probably jackoff under the dinner table looking at your mother. His top eight friends were other profiles like ours. Our profile was ranked number four on his top friends list.
We will call him Steve for this narrative. For whatever reason we decided to fuck with Steve. Maybe it was because he messaged us saying, “hi beautiful”. Maybe it was because he looked like an inbred troll mixed with a donkey fucked by a rabbit. Or maybe it was because Worm and I were still immature kids. However, at that moment, our trolling game was changed forever.
We wooed the dude. Told him we were very attractive to him. We got his Yahoo Instant Messenger Id and messaged him all night. By the end of the night we became his girlfriend. There it was. A totally new concept to us. Worm and I were dating a dude on the internet. Erin Hot Cat and Steve Forever. We never knew anyone could be that dumb.
We messaged the dude every night. Wooed him with sexual messages of our wild thoughts for a solid month. Sent him naked pictures of chicks we would find on the internet. Anyone with a brain would know the pictures were Googled. The messages we sent him were graphic. Worm and I were both creative. Could put together imaginative stories like nothing. We both should have studied creative writing in school but fucked around and shit in urinals instead.
Then we decided to really fuck with the dude. He sent us a picture of his dick and we told him it was tremendously small. Said we cried for a good two hours because we were so sad it was small. Told him that we were used to shoving items like basketballs up our pussy and ass and with a cock the size of his we wouldn’t feel anything.
He told us he was a virgin. We laughed at him. Said what a joke. We said we had sex with over 200 guys and were very experienced. Said the first time we had sex with him would be a joke. Little did he know but the two guys acting as Erin Hot Cat were also virgins.
Then we started to grow bored with him. We started sending fucked up pictures to him. Pictures of gross moldy vaginas. Goatse. Blue waffle. A picture of a chick with nine pickles shoved up her ass. We told him to add my actual girlfriend and told him that was our sister. Said she wanted to fuck him. My girlfriend knew about our adventures with Steve and thought it was funny. She fucked with him for a while then blocked him when he started to get creepy.
Then one night we told him the truth. Came clean. First, we broke up with him. He got all emotional and shit. Was telling us how much he loved us. How we can’t leave him. Then we told him we were two guys in high school that were fucking with him the whole time. He messaged us back saying he was confused. Saying how he still loved us. Then asked if we could send the picture of the chick with the pickles up her ass again.
My god did we laugh. Especially when he said he still loved us knowing we were two immature dudes. We died, completely died laughing when he asked for us to send the pickle picture again. I think I grew an 8-pack that night from laughing so hard. My stomach was sore.
I’m not sure what we did after that night. I think he may have blocked us. We told all our friends at school our adventures with Steve. Some of them thought we were weird. Most laughed with us.
The other day I thought about Steve. Decided to see if he was a real person. Did some searching on Myspace. Saw abuncha old profiles of my friends. It’s who we once were. Myspace is a graveyard of profiles of how adults were as kids. It is funny looking back at old pictures.
I found Steve’s old profile on Myspace. Searched for his name and found him on Facebook and the White pages. Apparently, he is a real person. Still alive and doing well. Still looking for a girlfriend. Still a creepy fucker. I added him on Facebook. Messaged him saying, “remember me”. He never messaged me back. Just blocked me. I guess he is still heartbroken.