Florida Man

A Florida Man robs a bank with hot dogs and a doubled headed dildo named “Matthew”

Florida – A Florida Man attempted to rob a bank in the Panhandle today due to his hate of the Federal Reserve. The Florida Man strapped 50 hotdogs to his naked chest (in an attempt to make it look like dynamite) and wielded an 18-inch doubled headed black dildo he called “Matthew”.

This afternoon, in the Panhandle of Florida, a local bank was about to close up shop for the weekend, when suddenly a shirtless Florida Man stormed the bank demanding everyone to listen to him.

“I was about to shut down the bank for the weekend and head to the beach,” the bank manager told authorities. “When I was closing up my computer this man bursts in the bank with hotdogs strapped to his chest demanding that everyone pay attention to him.”

The Florida Man demanded that everyone must listen to his message – or he would blow the bank up with the dynamite strapped to his chest. A customer at the bank proceeded to laugh at him and told him good luck blowing us up with hot dogs. That is when the shit hawks came.

Upon hearing everyone in the bank laugh at him, the Florida Man whipped out an 18-inch double headed black dildo, that he called “Matthew” and smacked it across the face of the man who insulted him. The Florida Man then shoved 13 of the hot dogs into that man’s mouth while he wielded “Matthew” above his head like a tomahawk that was on fire – demanding that people listen to him.

“My mouth has never had that many hot-dogs shoved down it at once,” said the hot dog loving cry baby, as tears ran down his plump yet rough face. “I don’t think I can ever watch those adult videos I once took comfort in,” said hot-dog throat as he stormed out of the interview crying like a teen who just got broken up with.

While the Florida Man was wielding “Matthew” above his head one of the bank tellers pushed a button under her desk that alerts the police that there is a bank robbery.

“Things were turning south quick,” the bank teller told us. “The Florida Man with the hotdogs strapped to his chest started to smack people with “Matthew” as he gave some crazy anti-establishment speech. While he was giving the speech, he told my colleague to get all of the money out of the safe deposit box and dump it in the middle of the bank.”

Fortunately, we transcribed the speech the Florida Man gave. The following is the anti-establishment Florida Man speech. An epitome to say the least:

“The system as we know it is on the brink of self-destruction. Interest rates are at an all time low. Lenders and beginning to pay institutions and individuals to borrow! The Monetary System is on fire and we are all inside of a locked building. National debts continue to mount. Individual debts are so high that people live paycheck to paycheck – only to pay the interest rate and not the principal. When interest rates increase (and they will) entire Governments will collapses under the weight of an unpayable principal. Individuals will declare bankruptcy. The financial system we depend upon will dry up. Liquidity will be a barren desert. The worst part is the fiat currency of the USD – the monetary currency of the world. The USD is backed only by the faith of the US Government. There is no real asset backing the “almighty” Dollar. There is nothing backing the Dollar from losing its “value” except the Government. And do you know who the Government is? It’s people like Donald Trump (ewe), Nancy Pelosi (yuck), Elizabeth Warren (puke), and Bernie Sanders (ughhhh). Are you really confident that the Dollar has value given the Political heads that line the oval office? Are you confident we are not on the brink of total self-annihilation? Are you really confident that the Federal Reserve is not about to fuck us up our ass?”

When the Florida Man was done with his speech all of the money the bank had in its vault was lying on the floor at the foot of the Florida Man.

“Your money is shit,” the Florida Man said as he whipped “Matthew” across the bank knocking an old lady to the ground. “Your money is a delusion,” the Florida Man said as he stuffed more hotdogs in the already stuffed throat of the hotdog deep-throater. “Your money is…” The Florida Man unzipped his pants and took a messy dump on the millions of dollars.

“That was the most stinky shit I have ever smelled in my life,” the bank teller said. “I thought I was going to pass out from the fumes.

As the Florida Man was pinching off the last turd, police burst through the bank windows – not knowing the door was unlocked.

“What the fuck,” is all I could think said the police squadron leader. “I am getting really tired of dealing with Florida Men. I might move to Ohio as gross as that sounds.”

The Florida Man is being held in a local jail and charged with treason and attempting to overthrow the Government. The money the Florida Man shit on is in circulation. “Matthew”, the 18-inch doubled headed black dildo, is nowhere to be found. If you see an 18-inch doubled headed black dildo call the police immediately. “Matthew” is considered to be dangerous and armed.

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