Florida – A naked Florida Man tried to steal the Declaration of Independence this morning from a national grocery chain. The Florida Man held up the national grocery chain with super soakers filled with warm alligator pee. The Florida Man demanded that the national grocery chain’s cashiers’ hand him over the Declaration of Independence. When the cashiers told the naked Florida Man that they don’t have the Declaration of Independence the Florida Man began to soak bystanders with warm alligator pee.
“I knew my day was about to go to the shitter when I saw a naked man waltz in the front doors of the grocery store yelling profanities about the Declaration of Independence,” the national grocery store clerk told us. “The man was shouting how he needed to steal the Declaration of Independence before someone evil was going to steal it and use it to comprise the national security of our nation.”
The naked Florida Man was covered in mud from head to toe. He donned a trucker hat that said “Eat My Pube Mound” and wielded two huge super soakers filled with warm alligator pee.
“I just prayed to Jesus the naked Florida Man would not come over to me,” an overweight middle-aged cashier said. “Praying didn’t do a darn skippy thing as the naked Florida Man had a dead-ass gaze and headed right to me.”
The Florida Man marched right over to the overweight cashier who was sweating profusely from her armpits, but mostly her crotch.
“Put the Declaration of Independence in my bag,” the Florida Man demanded.
“Sir first off, I don’t have the Declaration of Independence and you don’t have a bag,” the sweaty cashier said in a shaky tone.
The cashier repeated her previous statement saying she didn’t have the Declaration of Independence. At this point her crotch was sweating like a polar bear stuck in the savannah.
“Oh, I could tell I was nervous by how damp my swamp was,” the cashier stated. “I felt like Shrek and Donkey were in my panties making pancakes.”
When the cashier told the naked Florida Man she didn’t have the Declaration of Independence the naked Florida Man began to shoot warm alligator pee at bystanders in the grocery store.
“I was just grabbing some beer from the cooler when all of a sudden I get hit in the face with a gush of warm alligator piss,” local grocery store shopper Cody Roland said. “When I wiped the alligator piss from my eyes, I see a naked mud-covered man with a hat that says, “Eat My Pube Mound” staring in my eyes.”
“I was scared shitless,” local grocery store shopper Cody Roland said. “The last time I was in a grocery store a Florida Man chased me around with a fresh turd.”
The naked Florida Man was arrested by the police force later that afternoon. The Florida Man claims to be Nicholas Cage and is in search of the Declaration of Independence. The police force made a statement that the Florida Man was high off bath salts and his DVD player had the movie National Treasure in it. The Florida Man is being held in jail for disturbing the public.
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