Deep Value Snob: This guy looks like a deep value stock. A walking disaster. Donning a suite that looks like it’s from the 1980s. A greasy sway to this hair. His once shiny leather shoes are dull and faded. If you pitch him a stock that isn’t trading at least 50% below tangible book value, he will call you a stupid growth investor. If his analyst even mentions the F.A.N.G. stocks he will lose his shit and call the entire world a bunch of idiots. Everything in his portfolio is either a melting ice cube, highly levered or has Class B stock in its capital structure. This guy is so worried about the Federal Reserve he has stockpiled guns and ammo in his basement. Everything in the entire market is overvalued except the 20 stocks he holds in his portfolio.
Growth at any Price Gordon: Price to earnings ratio of 10 million? Pre-revenue company expected to take over an entire market with a TAM of $16 trillion? Fifteen thousand adjustments to get to EBITDA? You might be a Growth at any price Gordon. This guy only buys companies that are growing faster than the weeds in his backyard. Sure, the weeds might be worth more than the entire future value of his portfolio, but he won’t listen to reason. It doesn’t matter if the valuation is totally out of whack. He sincerely thinks everything he owns will one day become the next Microsoft. Growth at any Price Gordon and Deep Value Snob are arch enemies.
Angry Activist Investor: This dude used to get the shit kicked out of him in high school. Now that he has his own hedge fund, he gets back at the guys who used to bully him by running activist campaigns. Sure, he might have soft hands and a bald head, but he will annihilate a CEO with a well written letter. When executives see Angry Activist Investor pop-up on a conference call their hearts will sink into their gut. They just know they will get asked question after question about the most useless topics that really are not value added. When a position doesn’t perform well after a week of holding it, Angry Activist Investor will start a proxy fight and call management incompetent for not “maximizing” returns. Angry Activist Investor thinks he is a social justice warrior of Wall Street. But he’s just an insecure chump trying to make money and push people around.
Elon Musk Fan Boy: Likely a privileged millennial from a millennial city like Portland or Seattle. He grew up angry at oil and gas corporation because you know “Co2”. When he found out Elon Musk existed, he went all in on Tesla. Elon Musk is a God to him. Anything Elon says is the truth. To show his love for Elon he made a YouTube channel geared for retail investors investing in Tesla. When Elon came out with that silly flamethrower this dude bought 20 of them. His entire net worth is invested in Tesla. He owns 51 shares.
TSLAQ Fan Boy: Spending his time on FinTwit posting constantly about how Tesla is a fraud would be an understatement. This guy is a fucking mess. When people find out he is married they are literally shocked. The amount of time he spent hating on Elon Musk and Tesla is insurmountable. The research this guy has on Elon and Tesla is like an encyclopedia. If this guy spent his time researching a less crowded trade, he might actually be successful. But he won’t do that. He is going to hold his Tesla short until he goes broke. He has been wrong about Tesla for such long time the annualized return if he is right and Tesla goes to zero is less than 1%.
Wannabe Value Guy: This fool thinks he is a value investor but everyone around him knows he is far from being one. He will invest in a technology company with a P/E ratio of 50x and think he is a value guy. On his social media profiles, he will tout the value investing methodology. If he has a hedge fund, he will market to prospective investors how value oriented he is. In reality, the guy is far from being a traditional value guy. He invested in Tesla at $500/share after reading the new shitty sell side report with a raised price target. He bought Enron after “modeling” out all of their segments and equity stakes thinking he was getting quite the deal. Current holdings are Spotify, Facebook, Amazon and Netflix. He is an in the closet growth investor who doesn’t know it.
Thinks he will be (or is) Warren Buffett: He claims to have started reading value investing books when he was only 6 years old after finding them on his Grandpas bookshelf. He is a walking Warren Buffet quote machine. Whenever he buys a new stock for his portfolio he looks up at the picture of Warren and Charlie above his desk and mutters, “price is what you pay, value is what you get”. All of his investor letters and chuck full of Buffett quotes. He gets alerts anytime Berkshire Hathaway files a new position. His biggest position is Berkshire Hathaway Class B stock. One time he missed the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting and had a nervous breakdown. The only question he asks management teams is, “What is your competitive advantage?”
Thinks he is long-term: We all know this person. They come off as confident and wise. They explain how long-term oriented they are with their investments. But in harsh reality, they can’t hold a stock for more than 30 days. Any volatility and they are out. Stock falls five basis points, sell. News comes out that Trump is going to bomb China, sell. Their wife throws a vase at his head for speculating all of their money in the stock market, sell. One time he held a stock for 90 days. That was his record.
Shitcoin Bro: Did you know that bitcoin is a stock? I didn’t. But this guy is convinced he is investing in the stock market with his 1/100th of a bitcoin. Bitcoin turned this guys life around. Before he was a bitcoin billionaire, he was saving nudes of 4chan in his mom’s basement and bagging groceries at the local supermarket. Now that he is a bitcoin “expert”, his entire life is turned around. He has 2,000 followers on Twitter and gets a few retweets every day. He’s an active poster in the bitcoin subreddit thread and has even “invested” in other shitcoins. When he turns 18, he will likely start a brokerage fund selling bitcoins to old people in Boca Raton claiming how much returns they could have. Hell, he even might become a bitcoin billionaire with his brokerage firm before he SEC catches on and imprisons with Jeff Skillings.
Micro-Cap Man: If you mention you bought a stock with a market cap above $300 million this guy will have an aneurism and ask why the hell are you buying Amazon. He doesn’t come from a traditional finance background. In fact, he probably didn’t even major in finance in college. All his holdings have market caps below $30 million and share prices below $1.00 per share. When asked why he invests in the tiniest companies out there he claims that all big companies once started as small companies. When you really think about it the guy is obviously compensating for something. Maybe it is because he is so short?
Dividend Douche: “If it doesn’t have a yield I’m not investing.” This guy is a walking goatee. Overweight and sloppy. His entire portfolio is filled with high yielding MLPs and REITS that are on the brink of tripping a covenant. He doesn’t get the difference between a dividend and a distribution – everything is a fucking dividend. If you tell him your holdings, he will go into pissing fit when he finds out one of your stocks doesn’t pay a dividend.
Poor Performing Macro Man: The annualized returns of this guy’s portfolio suck ass. He has been betting the U.S. Dollar would have collapsed since the 1990s. Sure, this guy had one great call back in the day where he made 200% in one year. But ever since the golden days his returns have underperformed the boarder index by a wide margin. He will make sure to tout his one great call though. That is what he is known for. CNBC will have him on their show when they want a weird perspective about why the world is about to collapse. But he is rarely on there. Oh, did I mention he called the Great Recession? If I didn’t I am sure he will let you know.
I can beat those City Slicker Institutional Investors with my Vanguard Portfolio: A retail investor at best. Thinks highly of himself because he knows how to trade ETFs. Anyone who does individual stock picking it an idiot. All hedge fund bros are below him. He thinks of himself as a professional investor. But at best, he works as a pharmacy tech at a small supermarket with a portfolio value of $10,000. If you tell him he is levered to the F.A.N.G stocks he will ask you what a “Fang” stock is.
Health Conscious D-Bag: Hates oil, gas and energy stocks. Hates traditional automobiles. Hates the farming industry. Hates…well pretty much everything. He is long Beyond Meat and Tesla because you know, Climate Change. When not trading environmentally friendly stocks, you can catch him at a local Yoga studio hitting on attractively married women, fronting how he is a vegan and Buddhist. His plan is to start an activist fund to go full out proxy fight on any company that doesn’t have a female on the board. He seems pro-women’s rights at first glance. But if you go through his phone, he has thousands of DMs to women he has never met saying, “send nudes”.
Back-Test/Hindsight Quant Bro: Nerdass
Angry Fed Hater Guy: If stressed out was a picture in the dictionary this guy’s face would be in it. Everything that is wrong in the world is due to the Federal Reserve according to this dude. This guy is so stressed out about hyperinflation that he is losing hair faster than a lama in heat on a Texas afternoon. His portfolio consists 50% of gold, 25% of junk silver and 25% of guns and bullets. His plan when the United States succumbs to the effects of hyperinflation are to stand outside of a safe where his gold it at with a gun – smoking cigarettes and slamming whiskey. If the world never goes into a dystopian future, this guy will be disappointed.