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How I used negative interest rates to build the biggest brothel in the Netherlands

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The general consensus among the libertarian regime regarding negative interest rates has been, well how do I put it…negative. Most of the die-hard libertarians I frequent to bars with, discuss the negative interest rate environment in a rather harsh manner. This is usually after taking six or seven shots of Mohawk Vodka and stepping out of a dingy bar dive bar to smoke their GPC cigarettes. In most cases, the topic of negative interest rates changes quickly, especially when the communist regime (who also frequent the bars I go to) steps out for a smoke, lighting their American Spirits and asking the libertarians how they can smoke such shit. I almost always step in and say, “any smokes will kill you, but these will make you feel like it.” It’s usually too late though. The two polar opposite regimes by that point are beating each other to bloody pulps with The Wealth of Nations and The Communist Manifesto.

But enough of my hair of the dog stories. I’m here to tell you how I used negative interest rates to build the biggest brothel in the Netherlands.

I have always been an opportunistic. An entrepreneurial spirited woman. In the 1960s and 1970s I manufactured large quantities of LSD and profited beautifully from the counterculture peace and love movement. Before the peace and love movement, in the 1940s and 1950s, I sold large quantities of liquor and marijuana to the beatniks, primarily Sal Paradise (Jack Kerouac) and Dean Moriarty (Neal Cassady), making a large enough fortune to retire indefinitely.

In a short lifetime, there are only a few opportunities such as these examples to make a fortune. This new opportunity that I have identified is like selling crack cocaine to major American ghettos in the 1980s and 1990s. It is an opportunity of a lifetime. A sure thing. One of those 1,000% annualized return opportunities. This is my story on how I exploited it.

When the Danish banks offered negative interest rates on mortgages of -0.5% per year I knew this was an opportunity of a lifetime to exploit the fragile macroeconomic system. I’ve been a finance wizard since I was six months old and I could smell the opportunity to manipulate this new doctrine.

Finance Wizard

The Danish system of negative interest rates is confusing to the laywoman who isn’t trained in the art of high finance. It’s not a simple concept to understand. In a traditional interest rate environment, the borrower pays off their loan (the principal) with interest. In a negative interest rate environment, the borrower still must pay off their loan, but at the end of the term, the borrower would have paid off less than they originally borrowed. Effectively, this is free money. It’s a free lunch that I smelled a mile away. I was like a starved dog, licking the crotch stains of day-old panties left on the floor.

I immediately booked a one-way flight to Europe. My plan was to pose as a rich old woman(which I am) looking to take out a construction loan in order to build a personal residence in the foothills of the Vaalserberg peaks. I knew with my vast fortune of wealth tied up in Swedish banks and my legs that don’t stop, it would be easy enough entice a young Danish banker to loaning me $5 million USD easily enough, at extremely negative rates.

Boy and I’ll tell you what, getting $5 million at a negative rate was easier than I thought. Within five minutes of walking into the Danish bank, that oddly smelled like moldy ketchup, I walked out with $5 million dollars at an extremely negative rate.

Hank Hill Boy

Now being the highly acclaimed and astute businesswomanthat I am, I didn’t initially take the $5 million dollars and use it as a construction loan. Instead, I called up a former lover from Cuba.

I dated quiet a fox of a drug dealer in Cuba in the middle of the 1970s. We were regular Bonnie and Clyde’s. Hustling pure cocaine – that sweet white girl. We shipped it through the Port of Miami to our end market of young college students. We spent many nights slamming bottles of the finest whiskey known to the Cuban man. Puffing fat Cuban cigars and making love in infinity pools. Eventually, we had a falling out, but my former lover owed me one last favor.

I was able to wire my former lover $2.5 million from a cute Danish coffee shop. I sipped on a cold latte, itched my crotch and listened in on a young couple’s conservation.

My former Cubano lover was still in the drug game. In fact, he was one of the biggest organized drug lords in the twenty first century. I trusted this man with my life and trust him even more with my money. In a few hours he would be able to convert my $2.5 million (of interest free money), buy a shitload of hard drugs and have them in the hands of young American thugs, who would then sell them to their own fiends. I was expecting a quick double in a month.

I had the money in 27 days exact. With $7.5 million of cash ready to deploy ($5 million interest free and $2.5 million of my newly minted capital) I was ready to begin construction. But before I invested the $5 million of cash into a construction project to build the largest brothel in the Netherlands, I took the $2.5 million of newly minted capital and invested with a loan shark I knew in the United Kingdom.

I know the loan shark business pretty well. It’s a pretty simple business if you break it down. When people can’t get a traditional loan, they will look for unique methods of obtaining money NOW. A loan shark fills this void through the black market – and usually for a hefty premium.

Investing with a loan shark is not risk free. But I have known Tony (mafia loan shark hunk) for years now. Back when I was a young teenager, I frequented with Tony on many money collections visits to his customers that just couldn’t pay. I’ve seen it all. From legs getting busted to hands getting shoved into a running garbage disposal. Tony is a professional loan shark – and he is damn good at what he does.

I knew opening the largest brothel in the Netherlands was going to be a capital-intensive project and I was not expecting to turn a free cash flow profit for at least five years. However, I knew I could adjust a lot of numbers to get some fucked up adjusted EBITDA number to make my brothel look profitable – just in case I needed to raise more funds from the smelly Danish banks. But my true goal was to make the largest brothel in the Netherlands a self-sustaining entity without additional interest free capital from the Danish.

My plan was to invest with Tony. If I gave Tony the $2.5 million I made hustling hard drugs into America, I was modeling a pretty good rate of return where that seed money to Tony could potentially cover all future expenses of my brothel – that is until the brothel was free cash flow positive. A normal annualized rate of return investing in a loan shark business should be 25% a year. This is when everything is running well. No cops and no unwanted deaths. I also modeled a base and bear projection of 10% and 5% annualized per year respectively.

A 10% annualized return in the loan shark industry is typical of a new loan shark business that doesn’t have their systems in place. I’m pretty sure it would be a black swan event if Tony’s loan shark business returned me 10% per year. A 5% annualized return in the loan shark industry is horrible. This is worst case scenario. I project a 5% annualized return to have a 1% probability of happening. I can only foresee this happening if Tony got killed by one of his customers and his degenerate son, Boris, had to take over the business. You can see my annualized projections for each case in the black chart titled “Loan Shark Projections”.

Loan shark

After I invested with Tony I hopped on a flight to the Netherlands. I was excited and full of energy. On the flight I pounded 7 beers and used the bathroom at least 16 times.

When I landed in the Netherlands I was drunk as a skunk. I ended up getting arrested a few minutes after getting off the plane for telling a Norwegian hag that she was my “personal slave” and trying to make her carry my luggage to a taxi. When the Norwegian police officials (“pigs”) hauled me away, I kicked, screamed and pissed myself as an act of rebellion. After spending several months in a Norwegian prison, I was released on a technicality, that is after getting several face tattoos.

eloise thuggin

Eventually, I made to the site in the Vaalserberg peaks where I would build the largest brothel in the world. Adrenaline pumped through my cold veins when the construction crew I hired broke ground on my brothel. I entered into a contract with this construction crew where they would have my brothel built in six months at the latest. The contract was structured as a fixed price contract – where the construction firm would be on the hook if there were any cost overruns. I deliberately structured the contract as a fixed price contract, knowing there would damn well be tremendous cost overruns. Yes, my goal was to have the brothel built in under six months, but I also wanted to run a local, family owned construction firm out of business.

Within six months I had successfully built the largest brothel in the world. I also accomplished the goal of running a local construction firm out of business through massive cost-overruns that I deliberately made happen.

My brothel was of epic proportions. It was over 100,000 square feet and five stories tall. Each room had a theme of its own. One room was the human centipede room. In this room a paying customer would pay to have their ass sewed to the mouth of a working girl. The paying customer would then get the luxurious benefit of defecating in the mouth of some random person.

There were other such unique rooms such as the climate change room, the I am a lifeless drug addict and will do anything for money room, the overly big ant looking fake butt room, the I swear I am not HIV positive room, and one of my favorites the what random objects can I stick up my ass today room.

The brothel was not only up and running in six months, but it was tremendously profitable and very popular on social media. Young social media Instagram “ass” influencers frequented my brothel often. I even had that young Logan Paul fella show up to my Japanese suicide forest room.

The best part about my brothel was the employment. I ended up employing over 10,000 people in the small town my brothel was constructed.  I was the largest employer in the Netherlands and was nominated for person of the year.

The moral of this story is, when there is an opportunity of a lifetime (such as negative interest rates) you gotta take advantage of it. I now have the largest brothel in the world and help married men get laid every night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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