Marry hedge fund manager
Image by Lisa Larsen from Pixabay

Every suburban Connecticut dad has three dreams for his family: have his sons accepted to Yale, as their safety school; have his wife get hit by a bus so the kids can start calling the au pair mommy; and to have his daughters marry a successful Wall Street hedge fund type.

As a father of two daughters myself, that daydreams of drifting across the double yellow line every time I have to drive the kids to soccer practice on Saturdays and ending it all, take it from me that nothing would make me more proud than seeing them marry a hedgie.

Here are three reasons why you should hope the same for your kids too: 

  1. Hedge Fund managers are faithful and trustworthy. Would endowments, foundations, pensions, and other asset owners who oversee hundreds of billions of collective dollars entrust just any Joe Schmo to manage their money? Rest assured, if your little princess marries a hedgie, there is zero reason to worry about infidelity, STDs, or lawsuits
  2. Hedge Fund managers have strict rules about the content that is shown on the televisions around the office. In fact, hedge fund managers are known for placing strict parental controls on the TVs that are reserved strictly for CNBC and Bloomberg and in no way will ever be used to play adult videos on the trading floor.  
  3. Hedge fund managers love kids. In fact some of the most successful hedge fund managers love kids so much they spend a lot of time hanging out with other people who really, really, really love kids

As you can see, hedge fund managers are savory, well intentioned people who would never do anything to make you question why you allowed your daughter to marry them. I’ve already arranged for two of my three daughters to marry hedge fund managers twice their age and you should too!