Man covered in motor oil
Guy dives into motor oil pool. Source:

How the mighty have fallen! Or shall one say, how the mighty have gotten hammered by excess supply, depreciated demand and of course a global lock-down of economic activity never before seen in human history. As beautiful as it is that our world has come together to fight for humanity, what does one do with all those excess barrels of oil? Note WTI was priced at $21.21 on March 20, 2020 and is likely to be in the teens in the first week of April. This is no April fool’s Joke.

With the backdrop of an economic devastation beholden upon us and the price of oil dropping to new lows everyday (note, a 77-pack of Natural Light beer now costs more than a barrel of oil) we have come up with five suggestions on what to do with all of this oil you beatniks in the Permian are sitting on.

Here are the top 5 recommendations determined by our in house Stonk Market survey, reviewing the opinions of leading Trading Desks, Market Analysts and leading Industry professionals – on what the hell you should do with all of the damn oil!

One: Build a swimming pool and fill it with oil

Like the notorious Spartans and Romans of past centuries, build a swimming pool and fill the damn thing with oil. Once filled, smear the oil all over oneself – this is incredibly uplifting and pleasurable from personal experience. Furthermore, having an oil filled swimming pool will not only elevate your social status, but it will greatly improve your immune system. An improved immune systems will give you and your beloved family ample pathogens to fight corona, Ebola and any other foreseeable epidemic with the fortitude of Spartan Warriors a like.

Two: Shoot buckshot at oil pipelines

Shooting guns has always been one of my favorite family activities. I remember shooting clay pigeons with my drunk uncles on Thanksgiving evening. These days I view shooting clay pigeons as a ‘caveman’ occupation. The thing all high society individuals shoot now is oil pipelines. Oil pipelines can provide the perfect buckshot practice. Just don’t give the wife the gun for too long otherwise one may meet the Angel Gabriel sooner than intended. No, seriously, experts highly recommend to not allow the wife to handle firearms. Nonetheless, shooting oil pipelines with buckshot teaches children and important lesson of both self-defense and taking responsibility for ones actions and the environment. Shooting oil and gas pipelines with buckshot, as advocated by leading Keynesian Economists, will result in increased demand for oil and gas pipeline infrastructure. Furthermore, if you shoot enough pipelines the draw down of oil will lead to a rapid reversal of pricing. If only every Patriotic citizen would take up arms in this fashion, then oil prices will rise again to levels high enough to keep companies producing. This would be a win for my portfolio!

Three: Hand Sanitizer

According to me and maybe leading healthcare practitioners based in the slums of India, the health benefits of raw crude oil cannot be stated enough. Evidence strongly shows that viruses cannot survive in in oil and thus is the perfect sterilizer. If you don’t believe me just ask the guy down in the Gulf of Mexico. Thanks to BP, nobody these days is chirping about any virus illness or needing to see those doctors. You can even ask the sea turtles BP dumped that oil on. Sure the turtles might be dead, but they sure as hell are not sick!

Four: The New Strip Club Brothel Model

Although our readers are conservative, principled, god fearing family oriented men and women, the American dream will not allow one to shy away from the all mighty dollar. The New Strip Club Brothel Model will have crude dripping everywhere – from the ceiling – to the floor – to the sweat right down my draws. Given the impact of shows like Tiger King, even oil dripping all over male strippers is a flawless business model. Strippers covered in highly quality liquid gold will have everybody flocking to your establishment because it is 100% safe and clean (see reason three how oil is sterile and wonderful). We know what you are thinking, “how do I get my hands on a crude oil covered stripper?” Worry not, The Stonk Market is here and happy to offer our valued readers access to both oil traders and pimps who will get you access to the black gold and girls (guys too if that suites your taste).

Five: Deliberately Spill Oil on Virginal Lands to Profit

Do you like making quick and easy money? I know do. One of the best get rich quick schemes known to man (outside of joining a Tim Sykes program) is to deliberately spill oil on virginal lands. Not only will an oil spilled land yield the land owner bail out money from the oil industry, but there are EPA environmental rehabilitation funds that will pay you, as the land owner, trillions of dollars in bitcoin! As of note, the Federal Government is said to allocate over $5,000 trillion bitcoins to mid and small cap oil and gas companies during an “accidental” oil spill. This is free money son!

For any assistance in filling your Oil and Gas Bailout Paperwork, please feel free to contact us at The Stonks Market, we are here for you.

Actually we are not here for you. You mean nothing to us.

Success! You're on the list.