I’ve tried to become a value investor at least 600 times. But for some reason when I think I’m ready to become a value investor I start day trading stocks like a degenerate. I just can’t help myself.
I have read The Intelligent Investor over 50 times. I’ve even tried reading the first page of Security Analysis but threw it in the trash when realizing it was like 800 pages of pure boringness.
So I’ve decided to come clean with you guys. Here are the six times I’ve tried value investing but ended up day trading like a degenerate.
1. The time I got Warren Buffett’s face tattooed on me but accidentally fell on a bottle of vodka and ended up mortgaging my neighbors house to buy penny stocks.
I read The Intelligent Investor at least fifteen times and thought I was ready to start value investing. I got so deep into value investing I even got Warren Buffett’s face tattooed on my neck. When I tried buying a newspaper stock that was trading at like half times book value I accidentally fell onto a bottle of Vodka and chugged the entire thing. I don’t know what happened next because I was blackout drunk. Somehow I ended up mortgaging my neighbors house and opening a Robinhood account. When I woke up the next day I made like $86,000 dollars day trading bankrupt penny stocks. I was so disappointed I threw my laptop at my mom’s face.
2. The time I accidentally slipped on a banana peel and fell mouth first on a pile of magic mushrooms which made me day trade Tesla.
The second time I tried value investing was a few months later. I was sober as a goat and a born again Christian. I just went through an ugly divorce but ended up remarrying my lover from high school. Everything was going well so I decided to try and buy a basket of low P/E stocks. When I was about to hit the buy symbol on my TD Ameritrade account I accidentally slipped on a banana peel, fell and ate en eighth of magic mushrooms. By the time I stood up I was tripping balls and throwing my own turds at my dog. When I woke up the next morning I realized I was day trading Tesla all night and made $58,000 dollars. I was so disappointed that I called the cops and had myself thrown in jail.
3. The time I was at the Berkshire Hathaway meeting and accidentally ate peyote and streaked across stage while day trading Coca Cola and making Buffett billions.
The third time I tried value investing was at the Berkshire Hathaway Annual Meeting in 2019. The last thing I remember was sitting down after getting nachos and watching Warren and Charlie talk about some boring stock they were buying. When I was about to sit down I accidentally slipped and fell onto some ladies breasts, which by happenstance an entire plant of peyote was growing between. I ended up swallowing the peyote and streaked across the platform Warren and Charlie were speaking on. When I woke up in jail the next day I learned I ended up stealing Warren’s phone and day traded Coca Cola – making Berkshire Hathaway $6.7 billion dollars. I was so disappointed in myself I vowed to read The Intelligent Investor 100 more times when I got out of jail.
4. The time I slipped on turds in the bathroom and accidentally opened my Etrade account with my tongue and day traded oil futures with a concussion.
One time I was trying to be a value investor in the men’s room (finding turds in the toilet at half book value) and accidentally slipped on a fresh turd and fell flat on my back. However while mid-air I somehow opened my Etrade account with my tongue. When I landed on my back I somehow ended up day trading oil futures in a concussion and making like $49,000 dollars. I was so upset with myself I tried reading Security Analysis by Ben Graham but got so frustrated (boring) I threw the book off a highway bypass and caused a 179 car pile up. Over 29 people died and I vowed to never day trade stocks again.
5. The time I went to a ten year-old’s birthday party and ended up getting filthy wasted, locking up the entire party in a bathroom, lighting the kitchen on fire and day trading Hertz stock.
I ended up reading Security Analysis like 17 times after I caused that 179 car pile up and thought I was ready to become a value investor again. My sister called me up to come over to her son’s birthday party. While the cake was being eaten I accidentally slipped and opened a liquor cabinet with my hand and drank at least three fifths of whiskey. For some reason I convinced the entire party to go into the bathroom (19 people) and I ended up lighting the kitchen on fire. While the kitchen was on fire I day traded Hertz stock until I made $209,000 dollars. By the time the market closed the fire department got to the house and saved the people locked up in the bathroom. I ended up going to jail for a few months for arson but my sister dropped charges after I gave her half of my proceeds from Hertz.
6. The time I went to a zoo an accidentally let all of the animals out of their cages so I could day trade electric vehicle stocks while drinking hippo piss.
One time I went to the zoo and accidentally fell onto a bottle of Steel Reserve and chugged the entire thing. The only rational thing to do at a zoo when you’re drunk is let all of the animals out of their cages so that is what I did. While everyone was running away from the lions and getting beat up by monkeys I found a gallon of hippo piss and started chugging it. As I was chugging it I thought it would be a good idea to start day trading electric vehicle stocks. I ended up making like $87,000 dollars and felt like a total degenerate. None of the animals at the zoo were found and there is rumors a monkey called Cesar plans to take over the world.