1. The time I dressed up like Jim Cramer and went door to door in a trailer park and screamed at single mothers until they put their life savings in a penny stock I was pumping.
One time I dressed up like Jim Cramer and went to over 300 different trailer parks to scream at single mothers and manipulate them in buying a penny stock I was trying to pump. Once the single mothers opened the doors I would force myself into their homes and scream at their faces asking why they were so poor and stupid. I would then grab them by their shoulders and shake them and scream in their face until they agreed to give me access to their bank accounts so I could buy this stupid penny stock I was trying to pump. CNBC caught wind of this and sued me for $50 million dollars. The only thing I owned at the time was a penny stock worth $250 bucks so they liquidated my account and took possession of my couch.
2. The time I dressed up like Jim Cramer and went to a random kids birthday party and screamed at ten year-old’s until they cried and their parents bought stocks.
I went to a ten year-old’s birthday party once and dressed up like Jim Cramer and hid in the closet until the kids were eating cake. Once the first kid put a piece of cake in their mouth I kicked open the closet door and started screaming like a madman. One kid peed her pants because she was so scared. A mom fainted and a dad screamed like a little girl. I then proceeds to scream in each kids face about how they need to buy some offshore penny stock driller so they could be financially independent. I didn’t stop screaming until all of the parents gave me their credit card numbers then I bought the stocks. CNBC got pretty upset about this and sued me for $25 million. I didn’t have any money at the time so I stole someones credit card and sent them that for payment.
3. The time I faked a crime scene and pretended to be dead.
One time I dressed up like Jim Cramer and faked a murder scene in Central Park. I poured a bunch of fake blood on my face and covered my clothes in mud. When a lady saw me she called the cops. The murder scene looked legit. I had a fake knife sticking out of my forehead and I stuck my tongue out of my mouth. Once fifteen squad cars and the coroner were there I jumped up and started screaming. One cop got so frightened he started shooting everything that wasn’t white. I then proceeded to scream in each cops face about how they needed to buy this Chinese Reverse SPAC. I ended up getting thrown in jail. CNBC sued me for $40 million. I didn’t have any money so I made them pay for my bail.
4. The time I went on fifty Tinder dates and right when intercourse started I spit and screamed about buying the dip.
A few months ago I set up a fake Tinder profile of myself dressed as Jim Cramer. I ended up going on at least fifty dates. After the dinner and drinks we would head back to their place for intercourse. Right when intercourse started I spit and screamed at my partner how they needed to buy the dip until intercourse ended. One of my partners ended up recording us and the video went viral on the internet. CNBC sued me for $69 million dollars for copyright infringement. I had to give CNBC the rights to use that video because I was worth about negative $45 bucks at the time.
5. The time I broke into Tesla’s headquarters, tied Elon Musk up in a closet and screamed about buying Tesla for two hours on Tesla’s Q2 2011 Conference Call.
In 2011 I broke into Tesla’s headquarters, hog tied Elon Musk, drizzled baby oil on him and threw him into a closet. I then hopped onto Tesla’s Q2 2011 earnings call and screamed the entire time about how everyone needs to buy Tesla because it is going to the moon. I ended up screaming on the phone for 6 hours until the cops came and arrested me. CNBC sued me for $56 million dollars. I had nothing at the time so I sent them gift cards that I stole from Walmart.
6. The time I bought cnbcsucks.com and live streamed myself dressed as Jim Cramer and screamed about how Luckin Coffee was going to be a trillion-bagger.
I bought the domain named cnbcsucks.com and live streamed myself everyday for five months straight dressed as Jim Cramer screaming about how Luckin Coffee was going to be a trillion-bagger. At the end of each live stream I poured scalding coffee onto my crotch and sang the Pledge of Allegiance while slamming my fist on a Booyah button. CNBC sued me for $31 million dollars. I didn’t have any money so had to give them the domain for cnbcsucks.com.