One life hack finance books don’t teach people is the ability to call 911 when a stock you are invested in goes down. I learned how to do this in CFA Level two. Here are the seven times I called 911 when my stocks fell and I was hauled to jail.
I bought Luckin Coffee because I thought it was going to become the next Starbucks. Since I only did two minutes of research (triple the amount I typically do) I lost around 100% of my money. The day the stock crashed I called 911 over 70 times screaming how Luckin Coffee has fallen and couldn’t get up. I then broke into a Starbucks and poured fifteen cups of hot coffee on my crotch until the police hauled me away. I was taken to jail and my number was forever banned from calling 911 when my stocks fell.
I had just recently gotten out of jail for telling a CEO of a public company if he didn’t give me insider information I was going to run his wife over with a car. I swore that I was done degenerate day trading but then I saw this quality company called Breitburn Energy. I couldn’t help myself. The stock was massively overlevered, tied to oil prices and had that stupid MLP structure all idiots like me are attracted to. I ended up mortgaging my neighbors house and going all in. Seconds after I went all in the stock collapsed. I ended up callin 911 over 300 times screaming about how Breitburn was bleeding cash all over the place. The cops arrested me in my Ford Fiat where I was huffing Elmer’s Glue. I went to jail for 150 days and swore I would never look at the stock market again.
Ascena Retail Group
To stay away from degenerate day trading I got into the habit of going to women’s retail clothing stores and hiding in the clothing racks so I could jump out at women, scare the pants off them and then get their number. My favorite spot was at the Catherine’s store down the road from where I live. When I realized that Catherine’s was owned by Ascena Retail Group I ended up maxing out 75 credit cards and going all in on Ascena. The stock subsequently crashed over 90%. Naturally I called 911 over 750 times telling them that Ascena’s stock had fallen off a cliff and everyone was dead. The cops caught me burning down an Ascena store obliterated out of my mind on Vodka. I went to jail for over two years.
When I was done serving my two year prison sentence I became a rock melon farmer in Iowa. My days were spent watching horse flies make love on my arms. One day when I was reading the local newspaper and sucking the milk out of a cows utters, I realized the newspaper was owned by a public company called McClatchy. I stole over 7,000 cows and selling them on the black market for a huge profit. I took this profit and piled it all into McClatchy. I ended up becoming a 10% shareholder right when the stock declared bankruptcy and went to zero. I ended up calling 911 over 59 times from 59 different payphones and screaming to the cops that McClatchy’s stock was about to die. The cops found me after I burned down over 125,000 acres of cornfield. I was hauled to jail for 180 days and banned from calling 911 when my stocks fell.
Helios and Matheson Analytics
After serving my 180 day sentence I ended up getting becoming a bum for about 6 weeks. During this time period as a bum I slept in movie theaters and ate stale popcorn off the floor. Everything was going well. I clean and off the stocks. Then I heard about Helios and Matheson Analytics. I immediately started stealing money from people in the movie theaters so I could dump it in this garbage stock. When I had a full position the stock dropped 99%. Sadly, I ended up calling 911 over 89 times screaming about how Helios and Matheson Analytics stole all of my money. The police arrested me for riding a tonka trunk on the highway totaled on bath salts.
Cumulus Media Inc.
On the way to jail the radio was on in the police car and I heard about Cumulus Media. I decided if I was going to do hard time I might as well do it while trading stocks. When I got to jail I started a side hustle. I ended up making over $500,000 in jail with my side hustle and put it all into Cumulus Media. Apparently Cumulus Media was a radio company with a ton of leverage so naturally the stock went down over 90% after I bought it. After the stock crashed I stole a prison guards phone and called 911 over 200 times. I told 911 that Cumulus Media was pushed down the stairs by it’s abusive husband, the stock market, and couldn’t get up. The cops caught me in the bathroom making these calls and sent me to the hole for 90 days.
Energy Transfer LP
I ended up getting out of jail two days after getting out of the hole on a technicality. I swore off stocks for good. Then I met my friend Rupert when I was living in South Texas. Rupert and would drink heavily then go out into oil fields and shoot buckshot into oil pipelines for fun. One night when we were out I found out about Energy Transfer. I ended up selling my kidneys and small intestine in the black market and dump all of the proceeds into Energy Transfer. After I did that oil prices fell and Energy Transfer’s stock went into the dumps. I called 911 over 923 times and told them a pipeline had exploded and thousands of people were dead. The cops caught me swimming in a puddle of oil and hauled me to jail for 90 days.