Illuminati companies
Image by Michael Knoll from Pixabay

If I have learned anything from watching 675 hours of Alex Jones, it’s basically that everywhere there are signs that the Illuminati exists.  I’m pretty tanked off whiskey right now so bear with me…I’M 120% CONFIDENT THE ILLUMINATI IS REAL AND EXISTS IN 8 PUBLICLY TRADED COMPANIES.

1. Tesla, Inc.

If you spell Tesla, Inc. backwards is spells .cni, alset.  At first this just looks like gibberish.  But if you take out the letters c, n, s, and e, then replace them with l, u, m, n, and a, it spells Illuminati.  This makes sense because Elon Musk is obviously a reptilian.  Reptilians hate the earth because that is where the sun shines.  If Elon gets his people (reptilians) to Mars, they will thrive there.

2. Alphabet Inc.

Alphabet Inc. aka Google is definitely tied to the Illuminati.  The proof is in the name ‘Alphabet’.  An alphabet is the 26 letters in the English Alphabet.  You need the alphabet to spell Illuminati.  Without the alphabet the Illuminati wouldn’t even exist because you couldn’t spell it.

3. Nikola Corporation

Nikola Corporation, the electric car company that is valued at $20 billion and their only asset is a drawing of a car made with crayons is tied to the Illuminati.   Nikola Tesla was a scientist with a creepy mustache.  He also had very stupid hair.  Anyone who names their company after Nikola Tesla, which is just a play off Elon Musk’s Tesla Corporation is in the Illuminati.  I know this because I have a CFA.

4. Nu Skin Enterprises

Nu Skin Enterprises is associated with the Illuminati because the name of the company is Nu Skin.  Everyone in the Illuminati gets Botox and plastic surgery every first Wednesday of the month.  Have you ever looked at Nancy Pelosi’s face?  Her face looks like a grilled cheese sandwich sitting in the summer sun (gross).

5. Spirit Airlines

Spirit Airlines associates itself with the Illuminati because they only sell plane tickets to poor people.  Poor people are not in the Illuminati because they are poor and not rich.  The reason why Spirit Airlines only sells plane tickets to the poors is because they spy on them in the bathrooms.  The Illuminati is filled with people like Jefferey Epstein.  I’ve found at least 420 cameras in the bathroom of a Spirit Flight once.

6. Essex Property Trust

Essex Property Trust is tied to the Illuminati because one time I rented an apartment from them and it wasn’t a good time.  They overcharged me on rent so I left the sinks on 24/7 to hike up their water bill.  The property manager of their unit I stayed at also stunk like old fish and it reminded me of my ex-girlfriend.  It was gross.  Oh, and one time I tried to not pay rent and they called the cops on me.  Anyone who calls the cops on someone is tied to the Illuminati.

7. Walmart

Walmart is basically the leader of the Illuminati.  I know this because I was a Walmart greeter for about three months.  When I was a greater I used to huff spray paint in the ladies bathroom to get high.  One time when I was huffing spray paint this huge lady comes in and just falls on the toilet next to me.  When her butt hit the toilet seat I could feel my legs shake like it was a 8.0 magnitude earthquake.  Almost immediately she started blowing up the toilet.  I felt like I was storming the beaches of Normandy.  But the weird part was the noise her farts were making.  I swear they were saying how Walmart was the leader of the Illuminati.  To this day I won’t shop at a Walmart unless I’m wearing tinfoil over my head.

8. Kinder Morgan

Kinder Morgan is in the Illuminati.  I spent a whole summer in South Texas once.  On the weekends I would drive around and throw grenades at oil pipelines.  Anytime I threw a grenade at a Kinder Morgan pipeline it would blow up and oil would go everywhere.  I’m pretty sure I heard Alex Jones (absolute crazy nut) rant and rave about if you throw a grenade at an oil pipeline and it blows up it’s basically a sign that the Illuminati exists.



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