drink on the job

Americans are known for getting hundreds of thousands in debt to get a job they ultimately end up hating.  This is the American dream.  A $500 dollar per month BMW payment.  A studio apartment for $2,500.  And $20,000 in credit card debt.  The only time you can get peace of mind in that debt trodden brain is when you drink.  But with 60 hours spent at the job, your drinking is limited to the weekends.  That is until now.  Here are the top eight ways to drink on the job without your boss finding out.

Hide Bottles Of Malt Liquor In the Toilet

One of the best places to drink on the job is in the bathroom.  The average person goes to the bathroom 10 times per day at work.  If you hide bottles of malt liquor in the toilet you will be able to take a few swigs every time you use the bathroom.  I like to sit on the toilets and squeeze a fresh one out while pounding liquor.  This kills two birds with one stone.

Pretend To Have Diabetes And Inject Yourself With Liquor

A great way to drink on the job is to pretend you have diabetes.  People with diabetes have to give themselves insulin shots everyday.  Since you are just pretending to have diabetes you can actually inject yourself with liquor.  Injecting liquor into your veins will hit you hard and fast.  Be sure not to pass out.

Pretend To Sneeze But Snort Alcohol From The Palms Of Your Hands

This method works great if you have allergies.  Every 30 minutes or so pretend to sneeze into the palms of your hands.  But instead of sneezing just snort alcohol out of them.  This will sting the first 100 times your do it.  But eventually you will kill all of your nerves in your nose from constant use.

Shotgun Beers In the Parking Lot

Before you come into work shotgun a few beers in the parking lot.  I typically will shotgun at least six Natty Daddy’s before walking into work.  Then when I go on my lunch break I’ll shotgun a few more.  Just make sure to park your car in an area where there are no cameras.  Also spray yourself with Axe Body spray like a teenage boy in heat so people don’t smell the beer on your.

Order Alcohol On Lunch And Expense It Saying It Was A Client Luncheon

If you forgot to pick up a six-pack on your ride to work feel free to order alcohol on lunch and expense it to the corporate card saying it was a client lunch.  This is a great way to drink for free and on the job.  I like to order the most expensive drinks when I do this because the man has to pay for it, not me.  Just be careful, this is slippery slope.  You’ll only want to do this a few times a week to not get caught.

Go To The Gym And Pound Liquor In The Showers

Pretend you are one of those physically fit guys that always go to the gym at work.  But instead of squatting 250 pounds head to the shower and pound liquor for 45 minutes.  If you do this method you will get caught if you never get any stronger looking.  Feel free to start injecting steroids to fool everyone into thinking your are actually working out.

Drink At The Printer To Drink On The Job

Every time your print off one of those boring documents feel free to pull out a small bottle of Mohawk Vodak from your pocket and take a swig.  This method works best the more you print.  If a co-worker sees your drinking at the printer offer them a swig.  There is a 100% chance they will drink with you.

Drink With The HR Team

To pull out drinking on the job for the next 30 years, you are going to need to start drinking with the HR team.  The HR team are the dorks who will end up firing you if you are caught drinking on the job.  To get around this start slipping vodka into their coffee for a few months.  After a few months are up tell them what you have been doing.  They will praise you for being a go getter and continue to drink with you.