Value Investors, Ice Cubes, Melting, Fire

One – Lose Money: Value Investors lose money.  These guys think they are buying at the bottom.  But when you are buying a melting ice cube the terminal value is almost always negative.

Two – Complain: Value investors complain about everything.  They are like a menstruating teenage girl who just got broken up with.  But I guess when your returns are horrible and your get redemptions daily, it’s hard not to complain.

Three – Smell Like Trash: If you want to smell something utterly disgusting just sniff a value investor.  These guy are the cheapest stink-bags around.  In 1967 there was a study that was conducted on how many times value investors bathe.  On average, value investors bathe once per week.

Four – Writing Horrible Letters: If there is one thing a value investor is good at it’s writing horrible investment letters.  These idiots will spend half of the quarter writing to their investors why their returns suck.  If only these doofuses would spend that much time researching stocks they might have positive absolute returns.

Five – Justify Investing in a Company Ran by a 90 year-old with Althermizers: If I had a dollar for every time a value investor went all in on a company trading at 0.10x book value ran by a 90 year-old man who is about to die I could buy a private island.  But seriously, for some reason value investors love capital intensive companies that have 16 classes of stock.

Six – Yelling at ‘growth’ investors for buying good companies: Value investors hate good companies.  And they hate technology even more.  If you tell a value investor you are invested in a company growing 25% per year they will scream incomprehensible words at you and call you stupid.  These are the same guys who will go all in on a newspaper business and say ‘mean reversion’ 756 times to justify their investment.

Seven – Complain about the Federal Reserve: A true value investor will complain about the Federal Reserve at least 64 times in their quarterly letters to investors. 

Eight – Wear Outdated Clothes: Value investors are known to wear suits that come from Salvation Army and smell like mothballs.  Also, the shoulders of their suit jacket is almost always peppered with dandruff.

Nine – Tell everyone they are long-term investors but spend 99% of their time trying to forecast next quarters revenue numbers: Value investors will tell everyone how they are a long-term investor who will hold a stock indefinitely.  But in reality these guys will spend 99% of their time trying to forecast next quarters revenue numbers.