FinTwit Trading Guru

Your favorite fintwit trading guru begins his day sat in a deckchair on the beach. The sun beams down on his perfect chest and the waves gently lap at his feet. His skin is painted by a perfect golden tan. As he watches the markets tick over on his latest generation Macbook Pro, he thinks to himself… “Dang, I’d better wake up. My ugly wife is calling me for breakfast.”

A trading guru’s day really begins by being shouted at by his wife for not having a real job. He then goes to his prepaid electricity and gas meters and throws some quarters in. He turns on the kettle, grabs two teaspoons of whatever instant coffee he can afford, and consigns himself to a breakfast of bread, butter and cheese.

He then grabs his iPhone and goes on tinder. It’s gonna be a long day of swiping. On here, he isn’t a man. His name is Abigail, an attractive 20 year-old with blonde hair. Abigail is an expert in the international forex market, making over $1,000 a day with just 20 minutes of work. She wants to give back to the community, and for the low price of just $50, will sell you her secret to being financially free.

Your trading guru’s prized possession is his 2005 Windows XP Laptop. On here, he has access to one of the most powerful financial databases in the world: Tradingview. He launches the website and immediately draws 20 lines. The more convoluted and nonsensical the better. For good measure, he adds 20 different moving averages so the candlesticks are indistinguishable from the rest of the chart. He takes a screengrab and posts the image on twitter titled “What are you doing today? Make your own freedom #grind”.

It’s the evening, and your favorite trading guru needs some food after a day of adding no value to society or his family. He drives over to McDonalds in his 1990 beat up Ford Fiesta and uses the allowance his wife gives him to buy a Big Mac. He sits and contemplates his life choices. “I’ve still got time to prove mom and dad wrong”.