Sticking their hand out like a urine-soaked bum, airlines promised not to use all bailout money on repurchases. “I swear to god we won’t spend all of our money on executive bonuses and repurchases,” a disheveled David Calhoun of Boeing stated. “The last round of repurchases was an accounting error. I promise this won’t happen again.”
Airlines, known notoriously for being the worst capital allocators in the history blew through the first $50 billion in bailouts in mere seconds. “I’m not even sure what happened with our first round of bailouts,” Ed Bastian, CEO of Delta stated. “One minute the money was there and the next money everyone was fired, and I had millions in my bank account.”
In what looked like a dark moment for airlines i.e. not having the funds to continue doing repurchases, a second round of bailouts transpired. “We are so thankful for our hero Keynesian politicians,” a spokesman for the airline industry stated. “With this money we can now bailout each executive with a fresh Yacht and $10 million in cash.”
In other news the theatre and entertainment industry exploded into oblivion as politicians play favorite with industries of their choice. A lone value investor was later seen eating his own scabs as all of his investors fired him.