GRAPEVINE, TX – As the world collectively holds its breath, retail traders around the globe continue to reinforce their stock positions of GameStop (NYSE: GME) against the Thanos-like efforts of hedge funds to sink the company. Financial analysts and world leaders alike agree that the success or failure of GameStop will determine the future of the human race.
“Let me be clear, the GameStop Rally represents the greatest opportunity our lifetimes to simultaneously eliminate poverty, war, and AIDS all in one shot,” said former President and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Barack Obama. “Make no mistake, if this endeavor fails, we are doomed to a future none of us want our kids to live in.”
Some analysts originally worried that placing so much hope on a single retail company during a pandemic may have been misguided, but those same analysts now agree that the chance to turn back has long since passed. Now, all efforts must be placed in ensuring the success of GameStop. The critical need to push the memestock was even taken up by fellow Nobel laurate Malala Yousafzai.
“We must ensure the rights for all children to education, and nowhere is that need more clearly demonstrated than in the recent run on GameStop stock,” said the Pakistani education activist. Malala added that while her bravery to stand up against the Taliban, survival of the Taliban’s attacks, and heroic efforts since to secure universal education were important, they paled in comparison to the fight to boost GameStop stock prices.
Climate change activist and Nobel prize nominee Greta Thunberg provided her own words of encouragement on twitter, outlining how the struggle for human survival amidst environmental collapse and the survival of GameStop are actually one and the same.
“We like the stock! $GME” tweeted Thunberg, a tweet that has since garnered over 300k retweets. She followed up with the explanation, “the generation before us has done nothing but destroy the planet they were given. Now is our chance to change the fate of our world, to save humanity from collapse. How will we do this? By buying GameStop stock!”
Surprisingly, none of the other memestocks promoted by Reddit (NYSE: AMC, NYSE: BB, and NYSE: NOK) have been included in the fight to save the human race. For a brief moment, silver commodities were added to the portfolio until it was discovered to be a psy-ops play injected by Peter Schiff.