Aphria Tilray

LEAMINGTON, ON – Investors were left confused and disappointed Monday afternoon after news broke that Aphria Inc’s CEO had halted merger efforts with Tilray Pharmaceuticals due to hallucinatory fears that he sensed imminent police seizure of the company’s assets and arrest by the FBI.

“Everything seemed chill you know, then I look out the window and there was a blacked-out SUV driving slowly past our offices,” recalled the bleary-eyed Aphria CEO Trent Baker, “I told Steve ‘dude, it’s the SEC man!’” referring to Steven J. Hooper, Aphria’s Senior Legal Counsel.

Aphria staff, who wished to remain anonymous due to fears that everyone seemed to be looking at them, shared that Baker’s actions seemed calm and delighted at first but quickly became erratic after seeing the black SUV.

“He started pacing around the room, coughing a little” one staff member said while looking nervously to the left and right, “saying that he ‘knew this was a bad idea’ and that he was certain ‘the cops were coming.’”

Baker then allegedly told his staff to “turn out the lights and close the blinds, and if anyone asks, we are having a church barbeque.” He then bundled up the draft merger agreements, ran to the bathroom outside of the company’s main conference room, and flushed the documents down the toilet.

No police, FBI, or SEC presence was confirmed, and the owner of the SUV was not determined.