WOODSTOCK, VT – When area landlord James Whitmore walked out of his 15 bedroom house with 6 car garage one brisk Monday morning in April, he did not expect to see a group of people gathered outside the gold plated gate to his driveway. As he approached the throng of people, the crowd erupted into cheers and praised him for being a hero.
“I was really taken aback by this outpouring of love,” Jim said. “I’ve always looked at myself as incredibly noble for providing housing to the masses in exchange for money on a monthly basis, but I never expected this. I usually spend most nights on Reddit LoveForLandlords creating really funny memes about all my ingrate renters. I may stop doing that now, but I doubt it. I enjoy it too much.”
When asked why he was there, one of Jim’s tenants Robby Rentoid, a 28 year old that works at GameStop, has $15k in credit card debt and has subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Roku, Apple TV, and OnlyFans, explained, “Jim has been such a hero to all of us. If it weren’t for him controlling the entire area housing market with expensive, barely livable units, we’d all have the headaches that come along with home ownership. I don’t even want to think about the huge burden of paying someone $50 to mow my lawn or, god forbid, the every 15 year hassle of hiring a bunch of illegal immigrants to paint my house.”
When asked how he wanted to be remembered after he is gone and his son Chad Lord Whitmore has taken over his properties, Jim humbly stated, “I want my tombstone to be engraved with, ‘Here lies the Cal Ripken of landlords. His streak of never returning a security deposit to a tenant in 45 years will never be broken’.”
