Asteroid hits Earth Killing 90% of Population; CNBC says buy the dip


Wall Street – In another turn of negative events an asteroid has recently hit Planet Earth – killing 90% of the population.  Dust is beginning to cloud out the sun and the scientists who are still alive are telling survivors to prepare for a 1,000-year ice age.  Despite the dystopian landscape we are now under, CNBC talking heads claim investors should take advantage of this downturn and “buy the dip.”

“Just buy the dip,” Larry Kudlow said on CNBC this afternoon.  “Dividend stocks, three percent yields, blue chips and capitalism,” Larry Kudlow repeated in an insane manner several hundred times before Becky Quick cut to a commercial.

Jerome Powell, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, issued an emergency press conference detailing how the Fed plans to drop rates below 50%, print as much money as possible, buy stocks and save the economy.  “Don’t worry your 401ks will be safe,” Jerome Powell said ending the conference.  “We won’t let the market go down.”

Politicians already have a fiscal stimulus plan to inject $420 trillion dollars into the bank accounts of the surviving 10% of the population.

The market closed up for the day.  Goldman Analyst, Scott Brown said the asteroid wiping out the earth was “priced in”.

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