As Hollywood declares the largest bankruptcy seen since Leham Brothers, attention starved celebrities have begun to strip down to pump fraudulent penny stocks. “How else can I afford my $10,000 dollar a month mortgage in Beverly Hills,” a naked Sarah Silverman stated. “To offset my income I have begun pumping penny stocks to unsuspecting retail investors butt naked.”
Since pumping penny stocks naked, Sarah Silverman has raked up over $1.5 million in trading profits. “I write the ticker symbol I’m pumping on my chest then just sit on camera smiling,” Silverman stated.
Silverman typically sees a stock rally 69% the moment she goes live. “It’s a great way to supplement my income. And even better way to get the attention I really deserve.”
Celebrities across the globe have followed Silverman’s lead. Amy Schumer draws ticker symbols on her butt cheeks and farts into the camera. Josh Gad sits his naked rump on a freshy baked meatloaf while twisting his nipples and screaming about penny stocks he likes. And Chelsea Handler draws ticker symbols of penny stocks on peeled bananas while eating them slowly.
“This is a new frontier in equity research,” lead analyst at Wedbush stated. “We are piling hard and fast into this frontier. Dan Ives, our lead Tesla analyst will begin each day reading his updates naked while we rub chocolate pudding on him.”
Markets continued to rally to stratospheric levels as The Fed continued to print and endless supply of money. Jerome Powell was last seen at his ex-wife’s house black out drunk, begging for her to take him back.
In other news, there are on Wall Street rumors around Elon Musk has launched an OnlyFans page. According to sources, Elon’s OnlyFans page will consist of Elon blowing up Ford and GM vehicles with a bazooka while reciting the National Anthem.
