With the Australia economy crippled by a further seven new COVID cases overnight, six of which are returned travelers in hotel quarantine, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced two new emergency stimulus programs to ensure all Aussies are flush with cash, and partly just to piss off Nancy Pelosi.
“It’s becoming increasingly apparent that some Australians have missed out with the initial stimulus, and we want to make sure things are fair for everyone.”
JobHaver and JobHater will accompany the popular existing JobSeeker and JobKeeper, and likely won’t be the last, with plans to fully socialize the economy by the end of the year.
“JobHaver will give every single working Australian an extra $2,000 per week, regardless of if it makes economic sense. Even if you have a good job already, and it’s not at risk, you’ll be getting free money. That’s 40 pineapples, right in your bank account, every week.”
Recipients are being encouraged to spend the money, rather than making fiscally responsible decisions.
“Spend the money. Just go and spend it. I can’t be more clear. Go to Bunnings and buy a sprinkler or something. Buy a third car. Maybe an apartment off the plan at Blacktown, I don’t want to see the housing market crap the bed.”
Morrison said JobHater is aimed at addressing those that find the JobSeeker program offensive or onerous.
“We recognize that some people couldn’t even be arsed looking for a job, and that’s ok. I get it. I’m lazy too. If you simply hate the idea of working, but still want free money, JobHater will be enough to cover at least two packs of Winnie Reds and a modest bag of ice per day. It passes the pub test.”
The opposition leader has been quick to criticize the plans, saying elderly Australians have been overlooked by the announcements.
“ScoMo has ignored millions of retired folks who have done a great job all their lives – where is the JobDoner program? Why should retirees only receive an aged pension? Throw a bit of cash to the boomers too wouldn’t ya?”
When challenged how the government planned to finance the new schemes, treasurer Josh Frydenburg says the path forward is clear.
“We are selling Western Australia to China. There’s nothing there anyway. It’s just dirt, I don’t know why they want it. They’ve offered us $10,000,000 – can you believe it? Ten million! Fools!”
Written by @StonkMarkets