Barstool’s Portnoy Fires Entire Staff And Goes All-In With DDTG

3
1354

NEW YORK – In an unexpected and shocking turn of events, Barstool founder Dave “El Presidente” Portnoy fired his entire staff today and made a key move to go all-in with DDTG. Portnoy replaced all of them with Chadford Whitmore VI, a one-in-bazillion talent that has had his stock skyrocket to the moon in recent weeks with Hollywood level DDTG videos made using pirated video software installed on a 14 year old IBM laptop that weighs 17.9 pounds.

“My big brain and Chadford’s brain will be like synergy. 1 + 1 equals 2 bajillion brain power between us.”  -Dave “El Presidente” Portnoy

Portnoy announced that all future Barstool content will consist of DDTG daily live-streams and a weekly one minute face over video of Portnoy blowing things up with vintage Barstool bits buried in the video that 90% of Barstool’s current audience has no idea what they mean. The videos will also feature background music of an 80s/90s rock band that are well past their prime. The video will be posted on Sunday night and played on a continuous loop for the next week.

When asked for comment, Portnoy stated, “Comedy content is dead, done, kaput. Cancel Cops can take their PC “comedy” and shove it up their bum bums. I’m all in on Barstool DDTG Global moving forward and will continue to drag my nuts all over the face of the Wall Street suits.”

“I just threw all of Barstool Nate’s stuff in a trash bag and chucked it onto the street. I’m the alpha dog. I just peed all over the office. This is my house now. You all can bow down to your king.” -Chadford Whitmore VI

Portnoy continued, “I know big brains because I have one in case you hadn’t heard. And this Chadford guy may have an even bigger brain than I do. I’m not saying he does, but there’s a chance he might. I’ve never made a bad decision in my life and I’m whatever more than 10 million percent certain is, that this is the best decision for Barstool. El Pres and Chadford will take DDTG beyond the moon, to Mars, maybe Uranus. The moon is yesterday’s news and is for losers like Howard Marks, Ron Insana and every other fossil that wears a suit that sits on the sidelines with their thumbs in their bums. At DDTG Global we only win. It’s written in the employee handbook on page 1 through page 100.”

Some say this is a risky move for Barstool and it raises questions on how only two people, who some say may be gods, will be able to provide the same amount of content as a staff of hundreds.

Portnoy countered with stating, “Have you seen some of the bush league content being put out by some of the Barstool bloggers and podcasters? We have 41 podcasts and I don’t even know who’s on 38 of them. Does Nate even still work for us? That weakling hasn’t made me laugh in 5 years. My big brain and Chadford’s brain will be like synergy. 1 + 1 equals 2 bajillion brain power between us. I don’t expect us to miss a beat. Credit to me for recognizing Chadford’s huge brain and for me recognizing the incredible ideas my big brain generates.”

With such a fast climb to the top, one may wonder how Chadford will react to his newfound fame and role as a content provider for Barstool. “I just threw all of Barstool Nate’s stuff in a trash bag and chucked it onto the street,” Chadford proclaimed with a huge crap eating grin on his punchable face while $100 bills fell out of his pocket. “I’m the alpha dog. I just peed all over the office. This is my house now. You all can bow down to your king.”

It appears his new fame has not changed him at all.



3 COMMENTS

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.