OMAHA – In a stunning move, Berkshire Hathaway, best known for selling airline stocks to Robinhood millennials, issued a press release today stating the company purchased Penn Gaming. The move comes on the heels of a growing feud between upstart day trader Dave Portnoy, a paper delivery boy best known for having backwards knees, and Berkshire CEO Warren Buffett, who is affectionately known as the Oracle of Omaha, a city that is best known for selling over-priced mail order steaks.
Penn Gaming owns 36% of Barstool Sports, a popular “sports” weblog founded by Portnoy that has 10,000 different podcasts that are all simultaneously number 1 on iTunes. Portnoy recently called out Buffett as a washed up loser who was no longer relevant in the investment world. “I’m not saying I have a better career than Buffett, but I’m not saying I don’t. I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Credit to me for giving credit to me for being so humble.”When reached for comment, Buffett said in between refreshing sips of ice-cold Cherry Coke, “I had never heard of this Portknee guy until I saw Munge wearing a Saturdays Are For The Boys t-shirt. Munge constantly says ‘Go Pres Go’ around the office like a virgin Barstool fanboi and was ribbing me about Portknee having better recent returns than me. I bought Penn with the change I found in between the seats of my 2003 Honda Accord.”
As of publication, Portnoy has been relieved of his duties at Barstool Sports and been re-assigned to hand washing the urine stains out of Buffett’s tighty whities.