President Joe Biden announced in a bizarre, poorly timed press conference that he chose to end the war in Afghanistan in order to focus the nation’s defenses on other security problems, namely China.
“Sometimes…. You just have to know when… You know… When it is time…. Time to…. Time to call it quits… You know?” Said a seemingly bewildered President Biden.
After laboring through several minutes of stammering contradictions, Biden got to the meat and potatoes of his decision to pull out of Afghanistan in such dramatic fashion, explaining that the U.S. government has a proprietary process in which it determines how sensitive its people are to a foreign threat.
And the fact of the matter is that Afghanistan simply wasn’t cutting it. Not with China dominating the world economy and serving as ground zero for the global pandemic.
“It was almost… like… uh… it was almost like… People—they—didn’t even remember how much they hated Afghanistan anymore.” Biden mumble, “Hunter left me a voicemail… around, uh… I don’t know… 4 or 5 a.m.… it was early… and he brought this to my… uh… attention… so I made the call.”
Sadly, this was not even the low point of the presser. A hot mic picked up the President whispering to one of his staffers, asking if he could have his rice pudding yet.
After a stern glance from his advisor, Biden seemed to snap back to reality, blurted out that China was bad—and a threat to every American out there—then promptly meandered off stage. Presumably for rice pudding—and maybe a warm glass of milk.