Biden Sworn In

BREAKING – Joe Biden has officially announced he will be sworn in on The Intelligent Investor, his favorite investing book on inauguration day.  “This is my first favorite investing book followed by Security Analysis,” Biden stated.  Ben Graham was a great friend of mine.

“I swear to make stocks only go up.  I will use my power of influence over the Federal Reserve to put as much cheap money into the markets.  Price discovery will be gone.  All short sellers will be executed.  We will even remove the “sell” button from all brokerage terminals.  50x P/E ratios?  MALARAKY!  We are taking forward P/E ratios to 5,000x.  Janet Yellen has a nice butt.  Oh God! Is that Hunter ripping a line off Kamala.  In Monetary Policy we trust. Awoman.”

Later in the afternoon a news reporter asked why Biden sworn in over a copy of The Intelligent Investor.  Biden responded by saying he would like ham on his sandwich not Ben Graham.  He later passed out in a recliner.

In other news, Trump noted he left a fresh “upper decker” in the White House bathroom before he left.  According to sources, Jill Biden found the fresh upper decker and proceeded to pass out.  Mrs. Biden later died in the hospital from COVID complications.