BREAKING: Short Seller Jim Chanos DOESN’T Sacrifice Babies

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NEW ENGLAND – Late last Saturday night, local police officers and firefighters reported to the ominous domicile of shortseller Jim Chanos in response to a minor fire. The blaze, which set off fire alarms across the 3-acre estate, turned out to be a measly grease fire in the resident’s kitchen.

However, The Stonk Market reports that one daring officer took the opportunity to secretly investigate the lair to validate horrific rumors he’d heard about Mr. Chanos from the CFP that manages the officer’s 401K. 

The officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, was initially struck by the nature of the fire. He was surprised that the grease which caused the fire on the stove was from a pork chop and not a late-night snack of burning human flesh.

While other officers spoke with Chanos to finalize the police report, our anonymous hero snuck down to the basement. What greeted him left him bewildered: there were no pentagrams on the floor, lit candles, rotting goat heads, or blood-stained walls; instead, there was an abundance of cardboard boxes, a couch, and an assortment of exercise equipment packed into one corner.

“I was taken aback, to say the least. My advisor said evil people like Jim Chanos rig the market and… basically, they wish death upon good people like me who just want to retire. Since he got this so wrong, I might ask my advisor to take his fees down from 4% to 3.75%,” the anonymous Officer said.

The Stonk Market notes that this story does not debunk rumors that Carson Block of Muddy Waters commits grave robbery or that Andrew Left of Citron Research is constructing a nuclear weapon in his own backyard.

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