Bridgewater Associates uses a Ouija Board to find investment ideas

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Wall Street – Prominent investment management company, Bridgewater Associates, the company started by Wall Street hero, Ray Dalio, was recently reported to have been using “Ouija Boards” to make investment decisions.  A former secretary at Bridgewater Associates released this information breaking her non-discloser agreement.

“I worked for Bridgewater Associates for over 30 years,” the unnamed secretary stated.  “It was a great job.  I was paid a good salary with benefits.  I had no issues with the company whatsoever and left due to personal reasons.”

The secretary told us there was only one weird thing that creeped her out.  “Every Monday morning before the market opened all of the portfolio managers dressed like witches and wizards and went into a dark conference room.”

The unnamed secretary said she was the only one who saw the portfolio managers on Monday morning playing witches and wizards.  “I really thought they all just really liked Harry Potter for years and were playing dress up.  Then one day I hid in a closet and waited for them to come into the conference room.” 

What the unnamed secretary saw shocked her into disbelief.

“They literally pulled out a Ouija Board and asked, ‘demons’ what stocks they should buy and sell for the week.” 

A Ouija Board is a board with printed letters, numbers and other signs to which a movable indicator points supposedly in answer to questions from people at the séance.  Ouija Boards were big in the early 90s with teenage girls at sleepovers where they would ask the ‘demons’ which boy liked them.

“I was floored when I saw the lead portfolio manager ask the ‘demon’ of Ouija World if they should buy or sell Johnson & Johnson (“JNJ”).”

The unnamed secretary said the Ouija Board meeting went on for a few hours, giving ample time to consult the ‘demons’ which investment securities they should buy or sell.

“I was skeptical at first and thought that these guys were real dorks.  But I tell you what, I am more convinced a Ouija Board actually works after seeing the returns these portfolio mangers have posted.”

Bridgewater Associates is the largest asset manager in the entire world.  Their returns speak for themselves – even I they are derived from unorthodox means.

It is reported that Ouija Boards have been selling off the shelves faster than toilet paper.   

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