Wall Street – A Wall Street analyst at a prominent investment bank has called in sick with the Coronavirus. As funny – or disingenuous as it sounds, the Wall Street analyst is likely thinking differently about his decision after receiving an unpleasant visit from the CDC.
When everyone was getting ready for their busy Monday morning in Midtown Manhattan, a young Wall Street analyst decided to use the recent fear of the Coronavirus to his advantage. The Wall Street analyst made a phone call to the Human Resources department at his top investment bank at 6:30am.
“I usually don’t receive many calls at 6:30am,” Heather, the Human Resources Manager at the top investment bank stated. “If I am receiving a call this early it’s typically someone calling in sick – which is a rarity in our highly competitive industry.”
The young Wall Street analyst told Heather the Human Resources Manager that he was sick with the Coronavirus.
“I didn’t think much of it at first,” Heather told us. “After he hung up it registered to me that he said he had the Coronavirus.”
Heather immediately told her boss that a young analyst called in sick with the Coronavirus. Heather’s boss told her to call the CDC and inform them.
“Before I knew it major T.V. stations were covering the story about a young man in Midtown Manhattan who had the Coronavirus.,” stated Heather. “Apparently the young man was hauled off by the CDC for further testing. Given the enormity of the situation we gave the analyst 30 days of sick-leave.”
Wall Street analysts all over Manhattan have been reporting a surge in analysts calling in sick with the Coronavirus. One Wall Street bank only had 2 of its 564 employees show up today. Apparently, all of them called in with the Coronavirus.
The Stonk Market was down significantly today. Top global economists figure the Stonk Market is down due to lack of trading volume from Wall Street.
“When everyone is sick with the Coronavirus its pretty hard to pump stonks,” some random economist said.