Charlie Munger Shoplifting

Billionaire investor and longtime partner to Warren Buffett, Charlie Munger was caught shoplifting at a Pasadena Walgreens late Tuesday. Financial analysts are split on whether it was more puzzling that the billionaire felt compelled to shoplift or that the 97-year-old was doing so to get his hands on oversized condoms and “Red Velvet Cake” flavored personal lubricant.

Berkshire Hathaway issued a single sentence statement following his arrest: “We at Berkshire-Hathaway stand with our longtime vice-chairman Mr. Munger and ask that the media respect him and his family’s privacy during this troubling time.”

Tuesday’s actions were not the first indications that the World War II veteran has adopted a lascivious secret life after the death of his spouse in 2010. In 2015, Munger was the subject of several rumors when images of him at the Playboy Mansion were leaked, wearing nothing but velvet dollar-sign embroidered boxer briefs.

“I think people discount his sex appeal due to his age,” said relationship guru Steven Ward, “when in reality Munger provides an austere cross-eyed gaze that drives some women wild. So much so that they are able to see past the near hundred-year-old body and fall deeply for his masculine guile.”

Beyond speculations about Munger’s salacious double-life the question remains, why would someone who could literally buy the Trojan company risk possible jail time by shoplifting approximately $20 worth of goods? Perhaps he was trying to avoid having the transaction traced to his American Express Black Card? Perhaps he was doing it for the thrill of breaking the law? – something that he cannot do in his professional life without suffering catastrophic consequences.

Analysts may never know what entirely compelled Mr. Munger to shoplift condoms and lube, but one thing is for sure: just knowing that the 97-year old has a use for Magnum XL condoms has done irreparable damage to our collective psyches.