CINCINNATI – Charmin, a brand famous for creating products that clean poop off your but*hole, has launched a new toilet paper for over-leveraged real estate investors that are suffering from explosive pants shi**ing during the coronavirus pandemic.
The genesis of the product came from the Adderall riddled mind of Cody Jones, MBA, a 27 year old Charmin assistant product manager that makes a $35,000 salary and has $5.5 billion in commercial mortgage debt. “I was sitting at my office desk really stressed about how I’m going to make my mortgage payments now that all my tenants have stopped paying. Next thing you know, I’m just shi**ing my pants uncontrollably and wishing I never attended that Grant Cardone real estate conference. In hindsight, it was just him screaming “10X BABY!” while a slide show played in the background showing him sitting on top of his private jet. Thousands of brain dead morons like me attend these conferences. I think there’s a huge market for this product.”
The product uses a proprietary process that increases surface area and absorption to handle even the worst of high stress induced blowouts. The product comes in rolls of 6 and includes a package of wet wipes, a fresh pair of underwear and helpful tips on finding a bankruptcy lawyer. For those shi**ing their pants while at the office, the “MEGA” roll also includes a clean pair of sweatpants to aid in discreetly waddling to your car.