chesapeake energy poison pill

Several weeks ago, The Stonk Market revealed that the Chesapeake Energy decision to implement a poison pill was largely a gesture to help Robinhood and other retail investing day-traders end it all early, as they clearly had a death wish.  However, in a surprise twist of events, the pill did not work as intended.  Due to a combination of the pill, Covid-induced alcoholism, and endorphins released from continuous virtue-signaling on media platforms, the traders developed a rare immunity.  The results were a new breed of retail trader currently dubbed the ‘Shitco Pumper’.

The ‘Shitco Pumper’ is particularly attracted to equities that have no inherent value and are either in, or on the way, to bankruptcy.  Doctors theorize that the initial poison pill was designed to make the body shut down in response to zero hope for the equity and that the traders’ survival has made it thirst for other similar companies in which to feast.  As they crowd into thinly-traded equities and pump the stock price higher, the bodies desire to perish forces it to seek out other similar companies.  A virtuous cycle has thus been created.

Most virus professionals are certain that this will end in an even more gruesome death than before.  However, short sellers should be worried as it is yet to be determined how long until the final blow occurs.

Chesapeake’s management team, as well as those from Hertz, Whiting, Oasis, Centennial, and Nikola refused to comment, but a slew of insider sales today means that the management teams were very busy taking advantage of the action.