Twitter has been attempting to earn the Chinese Communist Party Award For Excellent Censorship recently. They have happily used their platform to tell their users what is and is not acceptable to say. It seems like you can be “disciplined” for almost anything lately. Here is a guide to staying on Twitter.
- “Don’t share your opinions about anything, you are evil.” – Jack Dorsey
- Use hyphens in as many words as possible. Bitches love words like non-homogenous-gender-neutral-dimorphic-representative-patriarchal democracy. The more confusing the post the more offensive you’re allowed to be.
- When hyphenating, scramble as many keywords together as possible. Make a stack of flash cards then shuffle and draw from it to make a message. (Activist ad-lib) Remember it isn’t about being coherent, it’s about throwing word spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.
- Put clap emojis in between every word, extra points if you use the non-white hands. This is a sure sign that you are allowed to say anything you want and the twitter speech police will know your racism is from an anti-racist place. (remember the hyphen rule)
- Post only bad pictures of Trump. This disguises your message as many liberals have a 3 second attention span.
- Refer to everyone as a Nazi, even people you agree with, it shows you’re a good person.
- Put “CCP Friendly” in your bio. Everyone knows that Xi Jinping is Jack’s sugar daddy.
- Dye your hair an unnatural color. Preferably Blue, Green, or Pink, with extra points for a combination. (Rainbow Hair = LGBT ally)
- Always start your tweet with something supporting Dem policy. Example:
- Affordable healthcare would be great, but what if we just sent old and sick people to the farm like my dog Baxter? He’s been there 20 years and my parents say he’s so happy.
- LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT: DONT BE CONSERVATIVE.
Remember, Big Brother is always watching. They just want to make sure the CORRECT message is being displayed. It is for your own safety.
The Conservative Non-Conservative,
Max Greene (CCP Friendly)