With insurance giant United Healthcare making headlines by announcing it will no longer reimburse ER visits deemed non-emergencies after the fact, other insurers are beginning to take note.
“When we looked at our expenses, we noticed this huge outflow of money. ‘What the fuck!’ I said. I was shocked to learn we’re pissing away actual millions to pay for peoples’ medical care through these things called claims,” an executive at Aetna shared.
He went on to add, “We could literally be so much more profitable if we just stopped paying for this bullshit. It was like a light bulb went off. We’re gonna show those bastards over at United. And all these freeloaders enjoying who seem to enjoy nothing more than getting sick all the fucking time.”
Stocks for Aetna shot up 50% following the announcement that medical services would no longer be covered by their health insurance arm. Insurance giant Cigna, however, not to be outdone, announced it would not only stop paying claims, but would charge its customers for every time they were sick.
Cigna CEO, David Kordani, announced in the recent earnings call, “look, bottom line is, they’re our customers, so why are we giving them and their providers money for being sick? Customers pay the business, that’s like…fucking business school 101, douchebags. Well the gravy train is about to end, and a bright new dawn where health insurance giants finally operate profitably is on the horizon! I have a dream!”
While the obscure reference to Martin Luther King Jr. did raise some eyebrows, Wall Street quickly moved passed the confusion, with Cigna shares skyrocketing 150% by market close. Analysts praised the moves by insurers as ‘pure genius.’
Politicians soon followed suit, “it pisses me off how every whiny ass bitch in this once great nation thinks they need to be healthy to be patriotic. ‘ouch I bumped my elbow…wahh my kid has spina bifida…pay me money Mr. government.’ LOL! Far as I’m concerned, this country’s been too damn sick to find its bootstraps for too damn long.”