Miami Purge

Battling over 1,000 arrests and unmanageable throngs of mask-less partygoers, the City of Miami has passed an emergency order aimed at quelling the pandemonium. The so called “Purge Act” is a nod to the 2013 American Horror film where nationwide crime is legalized for 12 hours as a means of lowering crime for the remainder of the year.

Authors of the controversial order say that the crowds of tourists taking over the South Beach area of Miami have left city officials little choice.

“We recognize that this action we take today will allow for criminals to run amok for the next 12 hours,” said City Councilman Julio Chavez before jumping into an armored F350, “but we have absolute confidence that allowing this brief period of chaos will let the party burn itself out.”

The official rules of the order mirror that of the namesake film:

  1. Government officials must remain unharmed
  2. Use of nuclear or chemical weapons, including Axe Body Spray is prohibited
  3. All police, emergency services, and strip club bouncers are suspended

“We welcome our friends to our great city, bienvenidos!” said Mayor of Miami Francis Suarez, who then quickly donned a Bane mask, pumped a sawed off shotgun, and shouted “Now, let the games begin!”

The counter-intuitive policing method of eliminating lawbreakers by simply eliminating laws is not unheard of, but it is typically reserved as a last resort. Nevertheless, the methodology has become more and more common since the 2016 occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge by the Bundy Family. The tactic was employed this past spring when armed protesters were allowed into the Michigan State Capitol and then again one month later on the Capitol Hill area in Seattle. However, in the Seattle case, the plan was abandoned after a lack of police enforcement surprisingly allowed for looting, fires, and several shooting deaths. The technique of “letting the criminals have their moment until they get bored” was most recently (and most spectacularly) attempted in the U.S. Capitol in January of this year, leading to the injury of 140 police officers and death of a Capitol Police Officer Sicknick.

Despite the failure of previous applications of the theory, Miami officials remain resolute in their decision to provide a half day of anarchy in the hopes that it will bring long term peace to the city by the end of Spring Break.