CNBC made a shocking announcement saying they plan to rebrand as “WSB-TV” and hire 16 year old news anchors to appeal to younger retail investors.
The dying financial channel noted that their majority boomer viewership will be dying within the next 10-15 years. “Our 90 year old customer is on the verge of dying,” Jim Cramer stated. “If we don’t act now we won’t have anyone to pitch our garbage content to.”
To combat the dying boomers, CNBC plans to have a 24/7 stream of nothing but memes and 12 year-olds pumping the GameStop stock. “We have hired an army of 12 year-old kids from India to make memes for us for $1 dollar per day,” CNBC CEO stated. “Cheap labor is the heart of American Ingenuity.”
In addition, Keith Gill aka deepfuckingvalue has been tapped as a potential host for a new shop called “DIAMOND HANDS” in which he would throw darts at a board filled with heavily shorted tickers and invest his yearly salary in OTM options expiring the same week.
