Olivia Voz
Olivia Voz

CNN Head of Programming Nina Ahmed has announced Olivia Voz will replace Wolf Blitzer as host of “The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer” effective immediately, as CNN ventures into more financial markets coverage. “The Situation Room” will now cover technical analysis of stonks.

“We’re excited about expanding our coverage of the stock market, as we’re trying to reach a younger demographic.” Studies have shown that young people currently get most of their financial news from idiots on TikTok.

“Teenagers love The Voz. They think Wolf Blitzer and the boring stuff he blathers on about is lame,” explains Ahmed. “Plus, hiring Olivia Voz is a huge win from a diversity perspective, as the Voz will become the first ever mannequin to anchor a cable news show.”

We reached Wolf Blitzer, who was sitting in a dumpster and crying like a 12 year-old girl who just got broken up, for comment. “They can’t do this to me. I’m Wolf Blitzer. I’m an institution. The Voz should be standing lifeless in a department store somewhere, not anchoring ‘The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer’. It doesn’t even make sense. My dumb name is in the name of the show for gosh sake!”

Wolf Blitzer, who sucks, said some other stuff, but I didn’t write it down, because he sucks.

“Wolf Blitzer sucks,” agreed the Voz. “I hope I can be an inspiration for all of the mannequins out there.”