College Student Who Lost Internship Suddenly Shape-Shifts Into JP Morgan Senior Portfolio Analyst

Despite increasing macroeconomic trends, some younger employment prospects seen thriving in quarantine


By Charles Jameson

LOS ANGELES – Monday, May 4th started off for LA resident Luke Kelley like every other day for him: wake up, look in the mirror for five minutes to pump himself up, pound some brotein, and hit the gym. But today, before he even knew it, his life was forever changed.

While walking to Starbucks to enhance his productivity sipping on his usual vanilla cream venti latte, he received some devastating news. Wells Fargo called to say Luke’s summer internship was cancelled, he was devastated. Dumbfounded. So shocked that he started to feel a tingling in his chest. He managed to fight through this immense pain and thank Wells Fargo for all the experiences he’s already gained, politely conceding that he can’t put this internship on his LinkedIn and thanking the HR rep for their time.

After Luke hung up, he knew something was different. Almost instantly, he found that he was far smarter than everyone else around him. So much so that it pained him to see people suffering when they could just simply be like him. Out of the kindness of his heart he thought to himself, “You know what? I’m going to start writing financial advice articles so that I can help everyone get to the same spot that I am.”

“What a great idea,” his thoughts agreed. “In fact, let’s go to LinkedIn and after making a couple of connections and messages as we always do, let’s start writing some articles there. This way, all 200 of our followers will be immediately saved from the errors in their ways.”

Incited by his good graces, Luke rushes through the Starbucks line, mind racing with potential article ideas. Sitting down, Luke opens up his computer and after browsing Twitter and Bleacher Report for a quick 15 minutes, starts to peruse his LinkedIn. Only this time, as he’s brushing up his personal page, he notices a change in his bio. Instead of ‘Aspiring Financial Major at the University of Southern California’ it says ‘Senior Portfolio Analyst at JP Morgan’. Not only that, but his profile picture changed from his sick head-shot from high school ball with the boys to a head-shot of him in a button down against a white wall.

Then all of a sudden it all clicked for Luke. Maybe Wells Fargo cancelling their internships was the best thing that ever happened to him! This all makes sense now! All this was just building up to him giving his open and unfiltered advice on LinkedIn, what did some financial institution that’s been around for hundreds of years know anyway?

And so he set to work, writing like a madman about every security, call option, and financial opportunity in the book. Every time he wrote, he’d post it on his LinkedIn and got nothing but positive feedback. “Great read!” his old Staples boss one wrote. “Insightful!” posted his dad’s friend who works in accounting in Milwaukee. Even prospective employers got involved: “Great that you’re putting in so much effort! Again, we cannot guarantee you a job at Goldman Sachs, so please stop messaging me, but we’re totally interested! If you send in your application, I’ll take a look at it right away!” said one Sachs recruiter who requested to remain anonymous.

This transformation poses massive promise for the prospective classes of 2020 and 2021. If an absolute ace like Luke over here can turn into one of JP Morgan’s lead strategists over the course of one phone call, imagine what you can do over the course of reading this article.

Heck, in the time you read this article I already read three analyses and looked over a ticker for a prospective investment. What are you still doing here? Get out there and after it! Wait, what? You like my advice? Well, I can’t blame you there, it is pretty solid advice. Not to brag, but I’ve got the heads of top technology companies begging me for just a tiny lil nugget of this financial goodness.

You know what? Like what you see here? I’ll give you some primo content for free, seeing as you’re giving me those sweet sweet page views. Why don’t you go and follow me on Twitter at @PFlannygan for some great content. Heck, I’ll even throw in a disclaimer that *~ it’s not all finance, I like to spend a lil time on the Twitter yuckin it up about a coupla other things too like sports and comedy ~*.

While you’re at it, check out a few articles by my buddies here at The Stonk Market, they’re not total idiots. They even make me chuckle every once in a while. Aight I gotta get back to work, the ol boss is yelling at me on the Zoom call again. See ya round.

–   CJ

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