Congress reaches historic stimulus agreement, reinstates debtor’s prison for poor people

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WASHINGTON DC – In a historic agreement, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced the passage of a groundbreaking $1.5 trillion stimulus bill meant to alleviate the pain caused by the nationwide coronavirus quarantine shutdown. Each individual taxpayer will receive an additional $50 via direct deposit, with the remaining balance going directly to large banks, private equity sponsors, and corporate executives.

Late in the evening before the final vote, an additional bipartisan provision was added reinstating 19th century debtor’s prisons for most stimulus recipients. Private equity lobbyists suggested Congress should add the provision to ensure “an equal playing field for all stimulus recipients.” Debtors in default more than 30 days on any debt will face hard labor at specially built labor camps in the Rockies until their debts are fully repaid.

“We are truly proud of this history making accomplishment,” Senator McConnell boasted via Zoom. “Poor people are receiving way more money than they deserve from our recent stimulus actions. These programs are taking vital funds away from important employers such as Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, Shake Shack, and Boeing.”

“I’m excited to see our negotiations come to fruition,” Speaker Pelosi added while eating spoonfuls of ice cream. “Bringing back debtor’s prison will ensure recipients of stimulus funds use their money responsibly and pay back their creditors.”

Construction of open-air federal work camps has commenced in Colorado, Wyoming, and Montana. They expect to be operational by December, just in time for Christmas.

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