Coronavirus is no big deal’ says local man, age 26

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Local New York native Dillon Jacobson, who works as an operations analyst for an asset management firm and as a freelance cryptocurrency & Tesla (“TSLA”) fund manager, has made his official statement regarding the recent Coronavirus outbreak.

“Yeah, it’s like totally over-hyped by the media,” Dillon says, “it only kills geezers and losers with preexisting medical conditions. Dude… coronavirus is no big deal.”

These controversial but brave comments are no doubt a gust of fresh air for the worried American investor. Stonks have been extremely volatile as of late – but seem poised to make a full recovery according to Dillon: “Just buy the dip – you won’t lose.”

When asked about his investment strategy in the face of this pandemic Dillon had no comment except for the phrase “tendies, tendies, and more tendies.”

In other news, California recently declared a state of emergency due to corona virus fears and the DOW closed down 1000.

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