CRISPER Therapeutics

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA. – CRISPER Therapeutics (NASDAQ:CRSP) representatives held an emergency shareholder meeting Sunday night amidst allegations that human-animal hybrid specimens had been captured by Massachusetts State Police two miles from Fenway Park. The creatures, described by onlookers as “more like Splice than Resident Evil,” were allegedly caught by state troopers using methods “like what they did in Jurassic Park 2, not the new one – the old one, you know?”

CRISPER Therapeutics President Dr. Samarth Kulkarni initially calmed investor’s fears, assuring those on the call that the reports were fabricated and that “some idiot totally did not forget to lock the security chamber door when the taco truck came by the office.”

Those soothed nerves quickly snapped back to concern however when at the 12-minute mark sounds of taser arcs followed by gunfire were heard in the background.

“Stop! Don’t! They don’t want to hurt you!” screamed an unidentified woman as Kulkarni paused briefly.

“Ha, that was our head of research, Linda, everyone. She is rehearsing for a play being put on by her church later this year. Try to keep it down back there Linda!” Kulkarni explained.

At the 20-minute mark, Kulkarni informed investors that their current research may require some unplanned demolition work at their main facility, and not to worry as news reports and amateur video of the events will “look far more dramatic than what is actually happening.”

Few questions were raised during the Q and A session as Dr. Kulkarni sounded somewhat rushed to end the call. He ended the meeting abruptly at 27 minutes “thank you everyone for your time this evening, I hope we answered all of your questions about the great… Jacob! No!.. research we are doing here at CRISPER and… that glass isn’t bulletproof!… and thanks everyone for your time… Everyone evacuate to the helipad!”