Dave Portnoy Warren Buffett
Source: Barstool Pizza Review

In a move only accomplishable by the most winning winner of the winners, Dave Portnoy goes YOLO on a South Texas Oil Well and makes it YUGE. After dragging investing legends such as Warren Buffet and Martha Stuart (she did time for it ladies and gents) through the mud, newly minted Oilman Dave Portnoy took on another dinosaur in the form of the ole’ boys club of Oil and Gas.

When asked for a statement Portnoy responded “What did you expect? Everything I touch turns to gold, now back to my pizza.”

In an astonishingly brilliant move master investor Portnoy focused his attention to the Oil Fields of South Texas where he reinvested his day trading returns in American Oil from American Soil. Portnoy, with unmatched fortitude, instinctively saw the vacuum that failing debt burdened shale companies were leaving and preemptively made the transition into cash flow positive conventional oil production.

Portnoy justified the bold move with this explanation “Once I met the guys at McGovCo, I was sold right away. First off, the boss guy, Jay? He has an arm that even Tom Brady would admire. He can launch that ball 50 yards, almost to the top of the gushers he drills.”

Portnoy plans to upset every industry one at a time

Plans continue to move forward for Mr. Portnoy to upset every industry one at a time. He sights his interest in oil prospects because day trading just became too easy.

“Beating up on all those suits just started to get sad really. Their meticulously manicured egos were just too easily broken. I needed more challenge to prove to, mainly myself, that I am the ultimate investing genius. So, I thought to myself, who is more tough and rugged than an Oilman? If I can spank these Wall Street babies maybe it is past time to buy myself a well and strike it rich(er) with that Texas Tea.”

This is certainly an unprecedented move from the founder of Barstool Sports turned day trader Dave Portnoy. In the year 2020 we have come to acknowledge that anything is possible, that a greasy pizza fingered education major would be leading the way to maximum returns in these unprecedented times.

Remember though, Stonks only go up!