PORTLAND, OR – Hours after seeing Apple and Tesla soar 4 and 12%, respectively, the day their stock splits became effective, Donald Trump acted swiftly and decisively – slashing the official Coronavirus death count of the United States from 183,563 to 37,612.
“I think what we saw with Tesla and Apple, that there is a tremendous value in shaving off 80% of a number and realizing there’s a large swatch of the population that’s too stupid to realize nothing changed. Look at Robinhood and TikTok – investor sentiment through the roof! You can’t ask for better marketing.”
“My hope is that after the split – which slots us nicely in between fellow G7 members Italy and the UK – Americans will begin to realize what an overblown event the China Virus was and we can get on with our lives, and do what we Americans do best Spend! Spend Spend! (and vote Republican).”
At the end of the press conference, Trump urged Americans to stay away from Brazil, which currently has a “troubling” 121,381 Coronavirus deaths.